stay with me

tell me -
now that I've captured
your spirit,
will you stay with me
here for as long
as we are
physically apart?

will you guide my feet?
will you direct my heart?
will you live inside me
where I can feel you,
where I can know you?

you can stay for as long
as you please. 
oh, how I have missed  
your love
for a long, long year. 

your return fills
my spirit with joy -
a desperate longing
that has finally been
fulfilled.

stay with me..


It's almost been a year now since I've lost my dad. Today I felt his undeniable presence join me. This was the first time I felt him this near, this real. It felt like a beautiful reunion, a running into the arms of a long-lost love, a sensation of being lost and being found. I know that he is alive; in what form he lives, I know not. What I now know, and I indeed know fully well, is the reassuring comfort of his presence.

In the wise words of Rumi:
"It is a drum and arms waving.
It is a bonfire at midnight on the top edge of a hill,
this meeting again with you."

one of the bad days 

How would I be capable
of explaining this life,
this series of events,
explaining the way it has
changed me, morphed me,
into a person I no longer know,
to any other soul?

I'm fully convinced
that no other would understand;
I don't feel comfortable in my
own skin, my own mind.

I feel foreign.
My feet travel forward,
immersing themselves in
the continuation of time,
of life, of activity,
but my mind protests.

Where do I belong now?
with a lost father, a lost faith -
at loss of any explanation,
any meaning behind the madness.

I am a lonely wayfarer
consumed with the brutality
of uncertainty.

sorry for the bleakness (I'm not really apologizing)

Pissed off at the world
because nothing is the same.
You're gone and I swear
that the world has shifted
and now turns on a new axle.
A detrimental axle.
(Why can't everyone feel it?
Am I the only one?)
And what the hell is wrong
with my mind?
I have thoughts that
I didn't even know
my brain was capable
of having: chaos in my mind.

My advice to you;
never lose someone,
this may happen to you.
And if you do?
Read this and know
that you're not the only
messed up one
out there.

Life is confusing, and hard,
and painful,
especially when characterized by loss.
Why?
Loss evokes change;
it is gone, it will not return,
a vital piece of thriving, everyday life,
gone.

You cannot remain the same.

And then the world is flipped,
flopped, and it spins on a new axle;
An axle with the ghost
of the life that has passed.
And change unpacks its suitcase
and pretends its your friend.

You are not my friend.

Change is uncomfortable and bitter,
rotten and unfair.
My life should not have changed
under these circumstances.
God, where are You?

Love and loss,
are these the two true axles
that keep the world spinning?