you work is not
your work,

your life is
your work.

make it meaningful
and beautiful
and true.

TRUST

I desire to understand people. I desire to know why people do what they do (why I do what I do). I desire to know the origin of people: why we were placed here in this allotted time in history, surrounded by certain people, carrying out individual plans, goals...
I desire to understand the meaning, the purpose, of my two feet upon earth. Where were they meant to take me? Will I make any sort of a difference?

I desire to understand all the facets of life that I can never understand, the ones that only God understands - and this is where trust plays in,..

To trust in the unknown, to surrender to the power of fate, and to be madly in love with the mystery of it all.

one of the bad days 

How would I be capable
of explaining this life,
this series of events,
explaining the way it has
changed me, morphed me,
into a person I no longer know,
to any other soul?

I'm fully convinced
that no other would understand;
I don't feel comfortable in my
own skin, my own mind.

I feel foreign.
My feet travel forward,
immersing themselves in
the continuation of time,
of life, of activity,
but my mind protests.

Where do I belong now?
with a lost father, a lost faith -
at loss of any explanation,
any meaning behind the madness.

I am a lonely wayfarer
consumed with the brutality
of uncertainty.

Am I going insane or unveiling the secrets that a tedious life keeps from us? 

There is a true, pure force within me.

I'm looking for it. Every day, always - I'm looking for it. That undeniable feeling of fulfillment and truth that comes and goes.

It comes when I see the sunlight, the clouds, the layered green trees manipulated by gusty spurts of air.

It comes when I peer into the eyes of a loved one. When I notice them - honestly and fully notice them for all that they are, and all that they are worth.

It comes in the stillness of sight, the beauty of the day, the dark of the night. My eyes are a portal to what I understand of the world, of what I comprehend and make sense of, they are my compass to discovery.

It comes when I realize that this true, pure force within in me, the same force that I long to feel, I long to hold on to, I long to make my life about, has a mirrored force (high above) that created all that surrounds me.

It feels a lot like love.

I have yet to realize if thinking deeply
has created in me a new sense of
renewed, glorious existence,
                   or
If it has stunted me from the life that
I once lived, the one-path life
characterized by a distinct
explanation and meaning.

part two of my confused mind 

One the outside:
normal.
On the inside:
turmoil.
I'm leading two
separate lives,
neither of which
are satisfying
or give me any answers
or sense of comfort.

Neither of which
are true.
Both are a lie.
If one was "more true"
than the other,
it would be the turmoil -
the tossing and turning
of the Deceiver
between the ears.

I don't have
control of this anymore.
Being myself appeals to me
but so does reinventing myself
to be someone who
knows the reason
behind death.

Do I remain, normal,
unknowing, regarding death
as an unanswerable demon?
Or do I break free,
in turmoil,
and let my mind run wild
at all the possibilities
of why the Power in the sky
let's us live here,
making connections,
making lasting love,
then takes us away?

It's a terrible process.
Especially for the ones
left behind on planet Earth,
orbiting and thinking,
"what's the meaning behind this?"



I'll take turmoil any day.
It's a little more satisfying
than normality.