My Becoming

Listen to your favorite song on repeat, over and over, until you are absolutely repulsed by the sound of it

Get really drunk on the porch of your childhood home with two of your best friends and speak true, kind words to one another, the ones that are hard to say

Look into the eyes of the old people you love so dearly, give them your love and feel their love in return, and do not question the origin of this love, just feel it

Read a book, about half the book, find the words that you needed to hear from it, the words that you were searching for in the first place, then find a new one

Kiss the cute boy that you know will never adore you as much as you adore him, and know this truth and be okay with it, but still kiss

Visit your dead father’s grave and lay and cry beside it as you watch the clouds, knowing his presence surrounds you, somehow, in some beautifully mysterious way

Dance, do not stop dancing, do not stop singing to yourself alone in your bedroom, and never turn the music down, only louder

Love God fully, not quite knowing how and why you love this God you feel so near to you, but love wholeheartedly, nonetheless

Sit on that beat-up lawn chair that you’ve so often sat before, and stare into the backyard, mind endlessly drifting, rejuvenating

Look at your teeny tiny dog, this small, gently creature, and know that it has a soul, and it holds some sort of truth that is overlooked by humans, which may be the simple truth of absolute loyalty

Fall madly in love with almost all people, with no explanation why, other than you just really, really like who they are

Hold your best friends hand during hard moments in your life, wordless, but saying so much, like how much you appreciate all the years of friendship and laughter and love

Write these absurd and true thoughts in your journal that maybe only make sense to you, but realize that this is okay, because they help you explain the world

Sit in the local coffee shop and watch boys, and wonder about boys and the kind of boys you like, and if you even like boys enough to potentially love one for the rest of your life

Cry over things and people that were lost until you’re left with absolute desperation that’s oddly infused with this peculiar feeling of hope and love that only accompanies brokenness

Observe modern art and realize that you indeed do not like modern art as much as you’d like to like to, because it’s what all the hip and misunderstood people like, just keep disliking it

Wear clothes that make you feel happy, style your hair in ways that express how you feel, and never, ever, stop standing in the mirror quoting Sylvia Plath, “…wondering always who am I? Who is this girl I hear talking?”

Live by the words of people that have once lived, or still live, these inspirational, heartbreaking, lovely words that you tape in your room, in your car and feel understood when you read them

Unceasingly strive to know yourself deeper, to be kinder, to feel alive and well and destroyed and in despair and beautiful and broken and whole and everything in between

And never stop being who you are.

This is what I would tell my twenty-year old self.

This is my becoming. 

the beach

I spent today at the beach. And I found that there's something beautifully refreshing about lying in the sun too long and thinking too much. Here are a few of my thoughts that I felt were noteworthy enough to write down. They are scattered, simple, and straightforward... And they mean a great deal to me.


*Random kindness. Is there anything greater than random kindness? I think not.

*We are so much a product of everything that it becomes easy to believe that we're nothing... irrelevant, unimportant..
But you, my dear, you have been made up of beautiful virtues, you are a completely unique contribution to human existence,
and you must always, always remember how important you are.

*When did it become so important to look beautiful?
Do you feel beautiful?
If so, you are.

*My strivation to know God has taken me on a new path.
The path is neither right nor wrong.
It is simply necessary.

*Some things we learn.
Some things we just know.

Is this what it's like to be enlightened?

I am so very full of life today..

so very full of everything,

of everyone, of everything

that has been, is, and will be. 

I am floating. 

I am apart from myself. 

I am disembodied,

but so very connected. 

I am either extremely caffeinated 

or extremely enlightened. 

I am sitting here, contemplating..

how can I keep this feeling 

from escaping me?

Because it will escape,

it always does,

moments like these are fleeting. 

Life gets in the way,

always, because it's obligated 

to go on,

the same way we're obligated

to shift and change with it.

But, now,

here in the present,

in this time of my existence,

this feeling is mine.

And I will hold on to it

for as long as 

God has permitted. 

This may be ridiculously simplified and equally naive, but it makes sense in my mind. 

We are fully loved, 

fully known,

and fully understood 

by only One Power.

That Power is Love. 

Now, Love can take on many forms;

Love presents itself to us in

mysterious ways,

beautiful ways...

Love puts on skin in 8 billion different life forms. 

Love walks the Earth with four legs.

Love ruffles our hair when we step outside. 

Love blooms bright in the Spring, and neutral in the Fall.

But amidst all the various ways in which this Power, Love, reveals itself to us, 

we must remember the source from which it came...

This source is inexplicable, but it manifests itself so fully in our hearts. At the core of our being, in the very essence of ourselves, lies this Love. Even if we don't consciously recognize it residing in us, Love is always there within us, guiding us, fighting for us, cheering for us... 

And just because no human can explain the transcendence of this Love (although we try), does that make it any less real? Do we feel it any less because we can't explain it? 

So it is with my understanding of God. 

I recently rediscovered Sylvia Plath's journal, which I had begun to read last year but never finished (because sometimes life gets in the way like that). But I love when this happens.. I love when I forget about something that I once enjoyed. It gives me the opportunity to fall in love with it all over again.

I deeply admire Sylvia Plath. This woman had beautiful, meaningful, intellectual, and introspective thoughts. 

Here's one:

"God, how I love it all. And who am I, God-whom-I-don't-believe-in? God-who-is-my-alter-ego? Suddenly the turn table switches to a higher speed, and in the whizzing that ensues I lose track of my identity. I act and react, and suddenly I wonder, "Where is the girl that I was last year? Two years ago?... What would she think of me now?" And I remember vaguely Tolstoy's argument about fate and inevitability and free will. As an act recedes into the past and becomes imbedded in the network of one's individuality it seems more and more a product of fate -- inevitable. However, an act in the immediate present seems to be more a product of free will."

TRUST

I desire to understand people. I desire to know why people do what they do (why I do what I do). I desire to know the origin of people: why we were placed here in this allotted time in history, surrounded by certain people, carrying out individual plans, goals...
I desire to understand the meaning, the purpose, of my two feet upon earth. Where were they meant to take me? Will I make any sort of a difference?

I desire to understand all the facets of life that I can never understand, the ones that only God understands - and this is where trust plays in,..

To trust in the unknown, to surrender to the power of fate, and to be madly in love with the mystery of it all.

Maybe, just maybe,
the spiritual part of a person
is indeed the most vital part.
Maybe in our spirit lies the fullness of who we are-
spiritual beings that occupy
a physical body for a short period of time,
then we are released from
that foreign body upon death
and we become free and alive and right
for the first time,
and we understand the reasoning
behind the madness we deem "life".
And everyone that we left behind on Earth mourns,
but we now know that there is a world
so incredibly beautiful waiting for us
when our physical functioning ceases.
And we desperately want to share
this crucial information with our loved ones below,
but when we open our mouths to speak,
God intervenes,
"My sweet child, do not spoil the secret.
They, too, will learn of what has been
waiting for them all along when they
arrive and stand beside you. So let their
tears flow and their hearts break -
one day they will experience this no more."


*inspired by T.S. Eliot's quote, "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

Tell me-
how do I unleash this world
that I've created in my mind,
the only world that
makes sense to me?
A world in which dancing freely
is customary,
and loving others comes easy.
And life is not bogged down
by fancy philosophical explanations,
but it is instead felt and experienced
and lived with the brilliant fervor
brought about by uncertainty,

And everything is immersed in light.
And God is in everything,
around everything, and above everything.
And judgement of others has ceased
because everyone is defined by
the same standard - we are all humans,
And simplicity is honored and practiced.
And everyone acts as themselves
because the thought of trying to be
someone you're not is absurd.
And change is welcome -
learning and growing and
acquiring wisdom is practiced.

And, above all,
the people of this world
fully understand that
life is fleeting -
and no, we will not last forever
on this earth,
so we will make this time worth it.

rollerblading thoughts

1.)
Actualization of self -
fully realizing
who you are,
what defines you,
and the undeniable
significance of your soul -
is important.

2.)
I've discovered that the fuel
to love others
comes from loving myself,

which comes from
being in love with a God
that made me myself,

which comes from
loving the nature
of God Herself -
and all of Her
perfect, beautiful
creativity.

Thus,
the source of Love.

3.)
I think a lot of us are unintentionally ordinary.
We set out on a driven quest
to be known and appreciated for who we are,
but soon we sink into the pit of mediocrity.

4.)
Healing is a process.
Healing is feeling the sun.
Healing is feeling like everything's okay,
even if it's just for the moment.

on the topic of being alive 

1.)
I feel creative and
I feel an iota of something similar to teen angst.
I feel angry and
supremely liberated at the same time.
I feel incredibly confused about life
yet undoubtedly in love with a God
who has all the answers.

I feel inner turmoil and
I feel inner peace.
I feel it all.
I feel alive;
and isn't that what I've always wanted?


2.)
I think we're all living to feel alive. If we didn't feel as though our existence is worth something, then why else would we live?
That's why humans are in relentless, continual pursuit to find something, someone, anything that makes them feel infinite, important, meaningful: alive.

These things we cling to, these beacons of hope, keep us moving and keep us reminded that we are very much so in existence and full of an intended purpose.

Where is the logic in Love?

Love dispels reason.

I'm convinced that Love dispels everything -

it is the core, the answer,

the God that we all search for (in some form or another).

It is interwoven in our hearts.

It has always been there,

and it will always be there.

When we tap into our inner source of Love

we become who we were intended to be -

beings not built on logic and explanation,

but instead on Love and feeling.

As for God, the One who holds the power, the answer, I don't know anymore. It takes a humbled human state to admit that we don't know about God - to admit that we know so much less than we thought. Is this the proper way to believe in God? To know so little that we subtly give up on explanation? Maybe this is the true form of surrender - to forget the logistics and standards of faith and to believe in God in which ever way He comes - which can be so different for each human, for each individual life experience.

Those who believe often claim that God is all-knowing, loving, and existing. He is everywhere, always, intertwined with every experience, every emotion. But do they live like that? I ask that often, I so often wonder and am preoccupied with the thought. If He really is all of those attributes (which I have great inclination to believe that He is based on my personal human experience) then why do we diminish the impermeable power by only accepting some?What if God does accept all? (Which is what "these people" will claim to believe, but do they practice this thought?)

My mind is extremely limited, I despise that part of life. I know what I have experienced, what I have witnessed, what I have felt. My internal emotions are mine only, I am the only being, the only soul they will belong to. What does this mean about God? Of that, I'm not sure. I do know where my mind stands because I live in it, but as for knowing where others minds stand, I am incapable of knowing. It's an absolutely horrid feeling to be incapable of knowing - it further reminds us of the big picture, the huge life and story unfolding around us. A horrid thought, yes, but equally liberating. We're not responsible for the other wayfarer's trekking along in this life beside us. We can share with them out perceived human experience, our hearts and our love, and express our gratefulness for the human that they are, but we can't be in their minds. We get snippets and pieces of their thoughts with conversation and observation of actions, but that's as far as we go.

So will we ever truly know one another? Once again, I do not know. I believe that the answer is a melancholy no. It's frightful to understand that we will never truly known anyone but ourselves, but I've been having this progressive and beautiful and radical thought (which I hope will not escape me anytime soon) that this is where God steps in. I'd like to believe that God in infinitely compassionate, and that He will not let out shifts on Earth run out without anyone really knowing who we are (besides ourselves, that is).

This is my grand idea here - it's been said umpteen times as long as this orb has been suspended in space and time, I'm sure - but listen close. God knows us. Our thoughts and our ideals, the pretty and the ugly, the everything. The unknown in our brains, the part that we don't use, that we aren't aware of, He fills it. The heart, the blood, the veins, the pumping of life; He adores it because He has the conscious ability to love and understand our lives, more than any other human can love and understand your life. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, He's there and it doesn't stop. This is not a religious fact or a church-y sermon, this is my personal idea of God, expressed and believed by others in the past, but continually believed by me now.

I say these things with confidence because I need some form of explanation for my human existence, and this is what my life has caused me to believe thus far. To hold tight to these ideas, to convey my individuality, and to respect and love others for their existence, All this because I have One being, One ultimate, all-knowing being that knows me better than I know myself; and if I did not have that, I would be utterly alone in my mind and I would go mad.  Someone else has to know the madness and has to explain the madness - God does this. The thought is freeing.

The brevity of life
is so incredibly horrid;
they say it's what makes life sweet,
I've tasted it - it was sour.
It was putrid, repulsive.
I'd rather eat a flaming bagel
with protruding knives
than be up close and personal
with the brevity of life again.

One flick of your switch,
and you're snuffed out.
Death doesn't care of the plans you've made,
of the aspirations and dreams you had.
It only cares to claim another victim;
to feed its uncanny desire
to mess with the mind of the living,
to make them question.

If I could kill death,
I would kill it with compassion, kindness.
(Isn't that what God did, in body form?)
I would approach subtly, yet pleading softly,
as a noble night would be chivalrous:
"Please don't take the ones I love.
Please don't take me.
I'm unsure of what's to come of me."
As the terrified wayfarer that I am,
death would look me in the eye
and deliver the final, crushing blow: no mercy.
Never mind a shield of armor;
it will not save me here.
The armor is but a tactic, anyway,
to appear tougher than I actually am.

Now, I have discussed death
and the thoughts that I have on demise.
But we have yet to discuss God;
who I believe is the beautiful, opposing
force of the universe
that likely has a mesmeric and radiant
solution to overcome
our unwilling grapple with death.

The story it to be continued.

thoughts by the graveside - 4/26/14

By the graveside
you cannot hide.
You are beside death,
and who, when they are beside death,
can distract their mind?

No one. You are forced
to face the reality that
this mound of fresh dirt,
these fake flowers,
they are your destiny.

You are returning to dust.
Every day you live,
you are a little closer
than the day before.

2.
You will one day leave your home.
You will one day leave the only home you've ever known,
often unexpectedly.
And where will you go?
Of this I do not know with assurance.

3. 
Sometimes I wonder
how life is even real.
There are so many surreal moments -
or is that just life?
A web, a collection
of unexplainable moments
that morph together and
equate to our reality.

Such is life.

4.
Life is equal parts of living and dying.
We are living everyday and dying everyday.

5. 
I am very much in love with life;
I am also absurdly preoccupied with death.

6. 
You must believe in God
in a place such as this.
What do you think of all this?
Was it meaningless?
All these lives, lived and lost.
And look what they amount to.

bike ride

In that one moment in time,
those few seconds of existence
on this floating orb
in the vast universe;
I felt infinite.

Everything was mine.
I possessed every treasure
that the heart could hold.
Every experience, every emotion,
every day that I had lived
morphed in an instant; I felt it all.
And I was content.

It fit together so lovely.
I felt so beautiful and free
and welcomed by the world
and the people that passed.
(Did they know of the
euphoric moment I was experiencing?)

The clouds lowered to the gravel path
and I glided along on them,
two wheels effortlessly carried my soul,
my hopes, my dreams, my passions.
All that I am weighted on a bicycle.

The answer to life
lies in moments like these.
And the question is -
where do they come from?
Is it You, God, are you in control -
serendipitously supplying
these intoxicating moments
for us humans to live
in hope that we will
credit You for our happiness?

two thoughts on human life

one
I can't help but consider
how beautiful life would be
if we had nothing to prove
to anyone but ourselves.

If we were totally, wholeheartedly
free to be who we are,
what would this world be like?
(Surely there would be no
carbon-copies of humans,
and individuality would be praised.)

A desire pulses in me
to create this world. 

two
Celebrate diversity
and different paths of life,
different paths to truth.
(And love God while doing it).

We don't have to be cookie cutter.

Alanis Morissette

a bewildered mind at 2 a.m.

I am amazed at the fact that every time I lie down to sleep, I am still the same person that I was yesterday. And the day before that. And as long as I've existed. I've always been myself, I'll always be myself. I am me. And not anyone else. I am incapable of being someone else. This seems like a simple and silly and obvious though, but it's not. It's quite dynamic, really.

I go through many changes in a day, so many shifts and tears and emotions. How can I possibly be the same person that I was the day before? Life is shifting, moving, it is never stagnant.

Maybe we do change who we are. Maybe we change when we are shaped by our circumstances and by things that we have no control over. And we do change our physical appearance and we do change our attitudes. And we do change when we have a broken heart. And I suppose we change when we fall in love. And I've seen a human meet God, and I've seen that human change and become quite different.

But there's something inside us (or I'd like to think that there is) that is unchanging, it will not shift. It is constant; it is the essence of who we are. You are only you. There will never be any other you. You are the only you that you can be. And yes, as humans we will be shaped by the life swirling around us, and we will change and become different as we were before. Our qualities and traits are not static; you may gain more joy, your mind may grow in darkness. The human will meet God, the human will lose someone they love, the human will fall head over heels in love, the human will gain a new passion for nature, the human will be angered beyond words, the human will be lonely. Humans experience countless changes. What is beautiful is that in the midst of all these changes, the human is still itself. It has something that can never be taken away - the essence of its being.

I live in my body and experience in my body, but I am not my body. There is a spirit within me that is beyond my body, beyond my mind, and in that spirit lies the answer - the answer to how we can lie down at the end of the day and still be ourselves.

There is an intrinsic nature to humans, very much lovely, very much to be appreciated, very much full of God. We are who we are, and that can not be taken from us.

I am a collection
of all my thoughts;
I am a collection
of all my actions.
I am a collection
of all that have come before me
and all that surround me.

I am a collection
of beautiful mystery;
a piece of the great unknown
(which is life).
I am a collection and connection
to God, the God of Love
(however you see Him:
nature clouds, people,
doubt, exploration)

We are all a collection of one -
each being is our neighbor.
We each express stark individuality
but have a unifying connection
of life-giving Beauty
(I see Him as clouds)
living inside us.

I remember when life was
beautiful and alive and free
and I stared at the clouds
as a guide to my day
(You were up there).

How clouds are pleasing
to the eye, but not to the soul.
(Are You up there?)

I love my fervor,
my passion,
the God and the dad
that I knew so well
three months ago
on the living room floor.
How could this happen?

If only I could change the past
to be guided by the clouds again.