My Becoming

Listen to your favorite song on repeat, over and over, until you are absolutely repulsed by the sound of it

Get really drunk on the porch of your childhood home with two of your best friends and speak true, kind words to one another, the ones that are hard to say

Look into the eyes of the old people you love so dearly, give them your love and feel their love in return, and do not question the origin of this love, just feel it

Read a book, about half the book, find the words that you needed to hear from it, the words that you were searching for in the first place, then find a new one

Kiss the cute boy that you know will never adore you as much as you adore him, and know this truth and be okay with it, but still kiss

Visit your dead father’s grave and lay and cry beside it as you watch the clouds, knowing his presence surrounds you, somehow, in some beautifully mysterious way

Dance, do not stop dancing, do not stop singing to yourself alone in your bedroom, and never turn the music down, only louder

Love God fully, not quite knowing how and why you love this God you feel so near to you, but love wholeheartedly, nonetheless

Sit on that beat-up lawn chair that you’ve so often sat before, and stare into the backyard, mind endlessly drifting, rejuvenating

Look at your teeny tiny dog, this small, gently creature, and know that it has a soul, and it holds some sort of truth that is overlooked by humans, which may be the simple truth of absolute loyalty

Fall madly in love with almost all people, with no explanation why, other than you just really, really like who they are

Hold your best friends hand during hard moments in your life, wordless, but saying so much, like how much you appreciate all the years of friendship and laughter and love

Write these absurd and true thoughts in your journal that maybe only make sense to you, but realize that this is okay, because they help you explain the world

Sit in the local coffee shop and watch boys, and wonder about boys and the kind of boys you like, and if you even like boys enough to potentially love one for the rest of your life

Cry over things and people that were lost until you’re left with absolute desperation that’s oddly infused with this peculiar feeling of hope and love that only accompanies brokenness

Observe modern art and realize that you indeed do not like modern art as much as you’d like to like to, because it’s what all the hip and misunderstood people like, just keep disliking it

Wear clothes that make you feel happy, style your hair in ways that express how you feel, and never, ever, stop standing in the mirror quoting Sylvia Plath, “…wondering always who am I? Who is this girl I hear talking?”

Live by the words of people that have once lived, or still live, these inspirational, heartbreaking, lovely words that you tape in your room, in your car and feel understood when you read them

Unceasingly strive to know yourself deeper, to be kinder, to feel alive and well and destroyed and in despair and beautiful and broken and whole and everything in between

And never stop being who you are.

This is what I would tell my twenty-year old self.

This is my becoming. 

the beach

I spent today at the beach. And I found that there's something beautifully refreshing about lying in the sun too long and thinking too much. Here are a few of my thoughts that I felt were noteworthy enough to write down. They are scattered, simple, and straightforward... And they mean a great deal to me.


*Random kindness. Is there anything greater than random kindness? I think not.

*We are so much a product of everything that it becomes easy to believe that we're nothing... irrelevant, unimportant..
But you, my dear, you have been made up of beautiful virtues, you are a completely unique contribution to human existence,
and you must always, always remember how important you are.

*When did it become so important to look beautiful?
Do you feel beautiful?
If so, you are.

*My strivation to know God has taken me on a new path.
The path is neither right nor wrong.
It is simply necessary.

*Some things we learn.
Some things we just know.

This may be ridiculously simplified and equally naive, but it makes sense in my mind. 

We are fully loved, 

fully known,

and fully understood 

by only One Power.

That Power is Love. 

Now, Love can take on many forms;

Love presents itself to us in

mysterious ways,

beautiful ways...

Love puts on skin in 8 billion different life forms. 

Love walks the Earth with four legs.

Love ruffles our hair when we step outside. 

Love blooms bright in the Spring, and neutral in the Fall.

But amidst all the various ways in which this Power, Love, reveals itself to us, 

we must remember the source from which it came...

This source is inexplicable, but it manifests itself so fully in our hearts. At the core of our being, in the very essence of ourselves, lies this Love. Even if we don't consciously recognize it residing in us, Love is always there within us, guiding us, fighting for us, cheering for us... 

And just because no human can explain the transcendence of this Love (although we try), does that make it any less real? Do we feel it any less because we can't explain it? 

So it is with my understanding of God. 

You mustn't forget

that you are on your own journey.

Please don't let yourself be consumed

by the weight of The World. 

"But there's so much to be done." 

Yes, this is true,

but it is necessary to make space

for the serendipitous moments - 

the unplanned meetings, laughs, conversations 

that change the course of our day

(the course of our lifetime). 

So,

allow yourself to be carried away 

by the uplifting breeze 

of the unexpected. 

a rant on a sunny day

We mustn't forget about the little things.. The small bouts that bring joy, bliss, contentment: glancing up at the clouds and filling with wonder, a warm, fresh spring breeze emerging from a long winter, the tender touch of a caring friend, a lover...
But we do inevitably forget the little things. We're human - we get caught up and worked up in the sweep of the day. But, when we do forget the little things, when we are preoccupied with our countless, stressful thoughts and endless to-do lists, we can remember the big things, the indispensable things: we have working  lungs that are receiving air and keeping us alive, we are existing and moving, and we can make it through this day with the promise of a new sunrise tomorrow.
Gratitude for the big things is indeed just as important as gratitude for the little things.
And some days, when both the big and little things have bypassed our minds, when we're having "one of those days" with no rest, no true breath, no stopping and recognizing the day as a gift, we can hang on to the ultimate hope, the greatest thing of them all...
That we are here, we are aware, and we are beloved to the earth. And nothing can take that from us.

TRUST

I desire to understand people. I desire to know why people do what they do (why I do what I do). I desire to know the origin of people: why we were placed here in this allotted time in history, surrounded by certain people, carrying out individual plans, goals...
I desire to understand the meaning, the purpose, of my two feet upon earth. Where were they meant to take me? Will I make any sort of a difference?

I desire to understand all the facets of life that I can never understand, the ones that only God understands - and this is where trust plays in,..

To trust in the unknown, to surrender to the power of fate, and to be madly in love with the mystery of it all.

I am

in love

with the 

idea of

being free.

Now,

I must be. 

you can gain all the knowledge

you desire,

but what good is knowledge 

of you do not apply?

and what good is applying

if you do not feel?

and what good is feeling

if you do not love? 

stay with me

tell me -
now that I've captured
your spirit,
will you stay with me
here for as long
as we are
physically apart?

will you guide my feet?
will you direct my heart?
will you live inside me
where I can feel you,
where I can know you?

you can stay for as long
as you please. 
oh, how I have missed  
your love
for a long, long year. 

your return fills
my spirit with joy -
a desperate longing
that has finally been
fulfilled.

stay with me..


It's almost been a year now since I've lost my dad. Today I felt his undeniable presence join me. This was the first time I felt him this near, this real. It felt like a beautiful reunion, a running into the arms of a long-lost love, a sensation of being lost and being found. I know that he is alive; in what form he lives, I know not. What I now know, and I indeed know fully well, is the reassuring comfort of his presence.

In the wise words of Rumi:
"It is a drum and arms waving.
It is a bonfire at midnight on the top edge of a hill,
this meeting again with you."

There are two phases in the life of a truth-seeking individual:

a time in which the human learns
and experiences and feels
and takes a look at others
and attempts to understand them -
to put themselves in their shoes,
to respect their perspective,
to realize what it truly means
to love another as yourself.

and a time in which
you apply what you've learned.
this is compassion.

and it is impossible to have one
without the other.

Tell me-
how do I unleash this world
that I've created in my mind,
the only world that
makes sense to me?
A world in which dancing freely
is customary,
and loving others comes easy.
And life is not bogged down
by fancy philosophical explanations,
but it is instead felt and experienced
and lived with the brilliant fervor
brought about by uncertainty,

And everything is immersed in light.
And God is in everything,
around everything, and above everything.
And judgement of others has ceased
because everyone is defined by
the same standard - we are all humans,
And simplicity is honored and practiced.
And everyone acts as themselves
because the thought of trying to be
someone you're not is absurd.
And change is welcome -
learning and growing and
acquiring wisdom is practiced.

And, above all,
the people of this world
fully understand that
life is fleeting -
and no, we will not last forever
on this earth,
so we will make this time worth it.

why wait?

Why wait to
feel, to express, to experience?

Why wait to
tell the ones you love
of all the beautiful thoughts
you have of them?

Why wait to
follow the pull of your heart-
the inescapable path to truth?

Why wait to
see, to go, to explore?

Why wait to live?

I am either completely in love with life,
fully immersed, falling head first into
a pit of wonder and whimsy and excitement,
or I am going utterly insane.

I think it's a combination of the two.

But there's a word for this high.
Elation: it is a funny feeling -
you're floating in the clouds,
you're worry free, you're inspired.
But perhaps the most satisfying side effect
of a bout of elation is the inability
to be present anywhere except
the current moment.

It usually happens (for me) after
coffee, after writing,
after God, music, people -
but no matter what produces the feeling,
we should take it and hold it
and live and be free
in our momentary state of bliss.

from the beautiful words of Rumi, a 13-century Sufi mystic & poet

thoughts by the graveside - 8/5/14

I don't know much about anything, in fact, I will admit that I don't know anything about so very much. And this thought often makes me feel scared and unwell. I want to feel powerful and and important, well-know and highly esteemed for unearthly, hidden wisdom and knowledge. But in reality, there's an infinite world of mysteries that could not possibly be unveiled to me while I am a wayfarer here on earth.

I simply know what I've learned in my twenty years in this body. I know what I've felt, I know what I've experienced - I know these full well. We are all very different. No two humans alike. And each life and creature that breathes has their own way of understanding the universe. Although I have found that thinking of my awfully limited lifespan, which is confined to this particular body, to be terrifying, I've also found it to be equally beautiful and awakening. I am the only me that will ever be, there will never be one that exists quite like my personal bundle of flesh and bones and thoughts. This is a liberating encouragement to be myself. We aren't required to change ourselves or be who we aren't because because only one of you was made. And there's no pressure to be someone else - that role is already taken.

And when it comes to others, how freeing is it to love others as they come to you? Not to morph them into a being to serve you or to satisfy you, but to notice how they differ from you and to love them anyway? This is so powerful. One of the most noble deeds that you may ever do in your lifetime is to love those that you have no business loving. How lovely is that?

And amidst my cloud of unknowing in this life, the cloud that I often try to pierce and understand (unsuccessfully, I might add), I have learned that uncertainty is okay. In fact, uncertainty is more than okay, it's a vital, driving force that keeps us pressing forward, keeps us awake and alive and on our toes, keeps us searching for our meaning and purpose in life - wherever you may find it. 

I can't help but believe that uncertainty leads to truth, that questions lead to answers,

and that unknowing leads to knowing full well that we will never have all the answers, 

but what's life without the element of mystery? 

Quotes that have inspired me this week:

"Do all the good you can. 

By all the means you can. 

In all the ways you can. 

In all the places you can. 

At all the times you can. 

To all the people you can. 

As long as ever you can"

John Wesley 

“It is good to love many things, 

for therein lies the true strength, 

and whosoever loves much performs much, 

and can accomplish much, 

and what is done in love is well done.”

Vincent Van Gogh