the beach

I spent today at the beach. And I found that there's something beautifully refreshing about lying in the sun too long and thinking too much. Here are a few of my thoughts that I felt were noteworthy enough to write down. They are scattered, simple, and straightforward... And they mean a great deal to me.


*Random kindness. Is there anything greater than random kindness? I think not.

*We are so much a product of everything that it becomes easy to believe that we're nothing... irrelevant, unimportant..
But you, my dear, you have been made up of beautiful virtues, you are a completely unique contribution to human existence,
and you must always, always remember how important you are.

*When did it become so important to look beautiful?
Do you feel beautiful?
If so, you are.

*My strivation to know God has taken me on a new path.
The path is neither right nor wrong.
It is simply necessary.

*Some things we learn.
Some things we just know.

why wait?

Why wait to
feel, to express, to experience?

Why wait to
tell the ones you love
of all the beautiful thoughts
you have of them?

Why wait to
follow the pull of your heart-
the inescapable path to truth?

Why wait to
see, to go, to explore?

Why wait to live?

Why the hell am I here -
forced to face my existence
with some sensible form of reason,
yet knowing full well
that I will never receive
a definite explanation
as to why my two feet
were unwillingly placed here
on this specified orb floating
in the vast, mysterious universe?

Life is ridiculously perplexing
if you break through
the monotony of everyday life
to think about it -

But it's worth it.
(I hope)

some thoughts

1.)
If one were to claim that our existence is ordinary,
well, that would be an extraordinary claim -

For I have learned that nothing pertaining to our existence
can be described as mundane..

There are too many beautiful,
indescribable,
and compelling
things occurring.


2.)
I do not feel inspired to write -
I feel inspired to be, to live, to explore!
Yet I find myself writing about being.

What sense does this make?

thoughts by the graveside - 8/5/14

I don't know much about anything, in fact, I will admit that I don't know anything about so very much. And this thought often makes me feel scared and unwell. I want to feel powerful and and important, well-know and highly esteemed for unearthly, hidden wisdom and knowledge. But in reality, there's an infinite world of mysteries that could not possibly be unveiled to me while I am a wayfarer here on earth.

I simply know what I've learned in my twenty years in this body. I know what I've felt, I know what I've experienced - I know these full well. We are all very different. No two humans alike. And each life and creature that breathes has their own way of understanding the universe. Although I have found that thinking of my awfully limited lifespan, which is confined to this particular body, to be terrifying, I've also found it to be equally beautiful and awakening. I am the only me that will ever be, there will never be one that exists quite like my personal bundle of flesh and bones and thoughts. This is a liberating encouragement to be myself. We aren't required to change ourselves or be who we aren't because because only one of you was made. And there's no pressure to be someone else - that role is already taken.

And when it comes to others, how freeing is it to love others as they come to you? Not to morph them into a being to serve you or to satisfy you, but to notice how they differ from you and to love them anyway? This is so powerful. One of the most noble deeds that you may ever do in your lifetime is to love those that you have no business loving. How lovely is that?

And amidst my cloud of unknowing in this life, the cloud that I often try to pierce and understand (unsuccessfully, I might add), I have learned that uncertainty is okay. In fact, uncertainty is more than okay, it's a vital, driving force that keeps us pressing forward, keeps us awake and alive and on our toes, keeps us searching for our meaning and purpose in life - wherever you may find it. 

I can't help but believe that uncertainty leads to truth, that questions lead to answers,

and that unknowing leads to knowing full well that we will never have all the answers, 

but what's life without the element of mystery? 

rollerblading thoughts

1.)
Actualization of self -
fully realizing
who you are,
what defines you,
and the undeniable
significance of your soul -
is important.

2.)
I've discovered that the fuel
to love others
comes from loving myself,

which comes from
being in love with a God
that made me myself,

which comes from
loving the nature
of God Herself -
and all of Her
perfect, beautiful
creativity.

Thus,
the source of Love.

3.)
I think a lot of us are unintentionally ordinary.
We set out on a driven quest
to be known and appreciated for who we are,
but soon we sink into the pit of mediocrity.

4.)
Healing is a process.
Healing is feeling the sun.
Healing is feeling like everything's okay,
even if it's just for the moment.

The brevity of life
is so incredibly horrid;
they say it's what makes life sweet,
I've tasted it - it was sour.
It was putrid, repulsive.
I'd rather eat a flaming bagel
with protruding knives
than be up close and personal
with the brevity of life again.

One flick of your switch,
and you're snuffed out.
Death doesn't care of the plans you've made,
of the aspirations and dreams you had.
It only cares to claim another victim;
to feed its uncanny desire
to mess with the mind of the living,
to make them question.

If I could kill death,
I would kill it with compassion, kindness.
(Isn't that what God did, in body form?)
I would approach subtly, yet pleading softly,
as a noble night would be chivalrous:
"Please don't take the ones I love.
Please don't take me.
I'm unsure of what's to come of me."
As the terrified wayfarer that I am,
death would look me in the eye
and deliver the final, crushing blow: no mercy.
Never mind a shield of armor;
it will not save me here.
The armor is but a tactic, anyway,
to appear tougher than I actually am.

Now, I have discussed death
and the thoughts that I have on demise.
But we have yet to discuss God;
who I believe is the beautiful, opposing
force of the universe
that likely has a mesmeric and radiant
solution to overcome
our unwilling grapple with death.

The story it to be continued.

thoughts by the graveside - 4/26/14

By the graveside
you cannot hide.
You are beside death,
and who, when they are beside death,
can distract their mind?

No one. You are forced
to face the reality that
this mound of fresh dirt,
these fake flowers,
they are your destiny.

You are returning to dust.
Every day you live,
you are a little closer
than the day before.

2.
You will one day leave your home.
You will one day leave the only home you've ever known,
often unexpectedly.
And where will you go?
Of this I do not know with assurance.

3. 
Sometimes I wonder
how life is even real.
There are so many surreal moments -
or is that just life?
A web, a collection
of unexplainable moments
that morph together and
equate to our reality.

Such is life.

4.
Life is equal parts of living and dying.
We are living everyday and dying everyday.

5. 
I am very much in love with life;
I am also absurdly preoccupied with death.

6. 
You must believe in God
in a place such as this.
What do you think of all this?
Was it meaningless?
All these lives, lived and lost.
And look what they amount to.

sorry for the bleakness (I'm not really apologizing)

Pissed off at the world
because nothing is the same.
You're gone and I swear
that the world has shifted
and now turns on a new axle.
A detrimental axle.
(Why can't everyone feel it?
Am I the only one?)
And what the hell is wrong
with my mind?
I have thoughts that
I didn't even know
my brain was capable
of having: chaos in my mind.

My advice to you;
never lose someone,
this may happen to you.
And if you do?
Read this and know
that you're not the only
messed up one
out there.

I am a collection
of all my thoughts;
I am a collection
of all my actions.
I am a collection
of all that have come before me
and all that surround me.

I am a collection
of beautiful mystery;
a piece of the great unknown
(which is life).
I am a collection and connection
to God, the God of Love
(however you see Him:
nature clouds, people,
doubt, exploration)

We are all a collection of one -
each being is our neighbor.
We each express stark individuality
but have a unifying connection
of life-giving Beauty
(I see Him as clouds)
living inside us.

twitter

Are you bright
and fancy enough
with your nuggets
of thoughts
and one-liners?
If you phrase it just right,
you might enchant someone.
Isn't that what you want?

You don't want to
know what's in here.
I would not fit in.
You shouldn't know
the constant flickering
of questions and doubt.
I would not belong.

You do not want
the burden of this brain.
You would not retweet it.

is this what it's like to be in love

I think and I pry
but still you catch my eye.
You're a demon, you're a doll;
there's no peace in this at all.
Just chaos and confusion,
my dear I have been losing
my mind every night,
I'm on a downward plight.

Please, reach Your hand out for me,
save me from the sea
of earthly love and delight
and bathe me in Your Light.

I'm dying to know -
what does your mind feel like?

Is it swirling, spinning,
uncontrollable,
and terrifying?
Is it taking over
the place of your heart?
Is it detrimental?
Is it consuming from
the inside out?

Or is it peaceful?
Does it hold the truth?