Personification of God (I think)

Sunlight
Sunlight
Sunlight
and more Sunlight.
Sunlight is lovely
and heart warming.
Sunlight is true love.
Sunlight is the answer
to a dreary day -
to a dreary life?

Sunlight is happiness.
Sunlight is joy.
Sunlight is right in
front of you.

Find the Sunlight
and live in it.

I remember when life was
beautiful and alive and free
and I stared at the clouds
as a guide to my day
(You were up there).

How clouds are pleasing
to the eye, but not to the soul.
(Are You up there?)

I love my fervor,
my passion,
the God and the dad
that I knew so well
three months ago
on the living room floor.
How could this happen?

If only I could change the past
to be guided by the clouds again.

There was once a flower.
A beautiful, blooming flower
of bright pink and green -
glimmering in the sun.
He overlooked all the land
and smiled upon what he saw.

A tiny, helpless ladybug
had no where to rest.
She had been on a
long, tiresome journey.
She spotted the glimmering flower
from her home in the shrubs.
"Maybe he knows the way to rest",
she thought.
She delicately approached the flower -
she was wary, cautious,
its perfection could not possibly be true.
Did the flower even notice
her puny self approaching?

The flower knew tiny ladybug.
He had been watching her in the shrubs.
He knew where each of her spots
had come from.
He thought she was so unique
and wonderful - "she shines so bright",
the flower thought.
He wished tiny ladybug
would come talk to him.
Surely his petals would
bring her great comfort and rest.

The ladybug's tiny legs
carried her to the stem,
"Hello", she called up to the flower,
"Are you up there?"
"I have been on a very long
and tiresome journey
and would like a place to rest."
"Do you have such a place for me?"

The flower welled up
with grace and might.
He rejoiced - his petals shook
with utter excitement.
"Could it be?" He thought,
"Tiny ladybug has finally come
to talk to me."
He reached down and lifted
her from the ground,
higher and higher tiny ladybug
went until she rested upon
the flower's petals.

Tiny ladybug was so astonished
by the flower's beauty,
every hue, every color, everything
was covered in brightness.
But soon tiny ladybug felt
covered in shame,
"Surely I don't belong here.
I have lived my entire life in the shrubs."
"I don't deserve this;
I am covered in dirty spots."

The flower was struck
with compassion,
he wrapped his mighty petal
around ladybug's tiny body
and stripped her clean of her spots.
Then flower said,
"You have always belonged here.
You are always welcome here.
You will never be too dirty or
have too many spots -
I will never stop washing you clean.
You are home."

Tiny ladybug found the rest
she had been searching for
and lived out the remainder
of her years
dancing and rejoicing
on the flower's petals.

Life is confusing, and hard,
and painful,
especially when characterized by loss.
Why?
Loss evokes change;
it is gone, it will not return,
a vital piece of thriving, everyday life,
gone.

You cannot remain the same.

And then the world is flipped,
flopped, and it spins on a new axle;
An axle with the ghost
of the life that has passed.
And change unpacks its suitcase
and pretends its your friend.

You are not my friend.

Change is uncomfortable and bitter,
rotten and unfair.
My life should not have changed
under these circumstances.
God, where are You?

Love and loss,
are these the two true axles
that keep the world spinning?

Everything is spinning,
turning, and changing,
and my life is becoming
unnecessarily complicated.

I'd like to return to
life before all of this happened;
but it's impossible.

Quietly, gently,
I sense a great Presence
whispering to me,
"Trek on, my tiny wayfarer,
I have this all figured out".

a note to myself, shared with the world

Love all kinds of people.

Our species is so impressive
and so beautiful,
and each organism so
incredibly unique
that we would be missing out
if we limited ourselves
to loving only a few
kinds of people.

Maybe we could learn
a thing or two from those
that differ from us;
maybe we can transform an
exclusive species of human beings
into an inclusive one.

Maybe we can all connect;
but that will not happen
until we set aside our differences
and step outside of our box
to love all kinds of people.

One thing I really hate about life
is that other people are losing theirs
while I am still living.

And I am left wondering -
where do I go from here?

Everything was perfect -
and then it broke,
fell, and shattered
on the living room floor -
my sanity, that is.

I'm hoping that
I have to fall apart
to fall back together,
but for now
I am living
with the devil
in my insane mind.

What if it's true;
what if the kingdom
of heaven is really within
every human being that lives
on this speck in the universe -
but only some realize it?

This would be radical.
This would be outrageous,
insane, and totally unbelievable
(in the best way possible).
This would be life-changing.
This would change everyone's
course of action on planet Earth.

So,
what if it's true?
Then I want to believe it.

I want a swoop down,
serendipitous Savior.
Is it You, God?
The God that I know?
Truth be told,
I have felt very abandoned
by You lately.
I wish I could bottle up
all the amazing, real moments
I've had with You
in the past
(before everything changed)
and drink the potion
when I feel unsure,
which is so often lately.
I guess I'm learning
that You don't work
like lightening bolt-magic.
But You could, right?
You're all powerful, they say.

Do it for me.

A stark reminder -
a true reminder.

"I think life is staggering
and we're just too used to it."
- Donald Miller

part two of my confused mind 

One the outside:
normal.
On the inside:
turmoil.
I'm leading two
separate lives,
neither of which
are satisfying
or give me any answers
or sense of comfort.

Neither of which
are true.
Both are a lie.
If one was "more true"
than the other,
it would be the turmoil -
the tossing and turning
of the Deceiver
between the ears.

I don't have
control of this anymore.
Being myself appeals to me
but so does reinventing myself
to be someone who
knows the reason
behind death.

Do I remain, normal,
unknowing, regarding death
as an unanswerable demon?
Or do I break free,
in turmoil,
and let my mind run wild
at all the possibilities
of why the Power in the sky
let's us live here,
making connections,
making lasting love,
then takes us away?

It's a terrible process.
Especially for the ones
left behind on planet Earth,
orbiting and thinking,
"what's the meaning behind this?"



I'll take turmoil any day.
It's a little more satisfying
than normality.

I haven't posted in awhile. My thought process has been changing; I feel as though my mind has grown darker. I don't know whether this is good, bad, or necessary. We'll see where it takes me.

the two month mark 

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.
My mind is haunting
evoking feelings that are daunting.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'd like to wipe the slate clean
and start new,
like a child ignorant
of the world
and all the cruel
people that live here.
I'd like to be ignorant
to the process of dying,
not knowing that it
will one day come for me.

I see dying a lot now.
I see minds dying,
I see faith dying,
I see brightness dying,
I see hope dying,
I saw my dad, dead.

No one should see that. Ever.
If God is good
then I have been believing wrong
this entire time.
Please, define for me
the true meaning of
the word "good".

The world is very different now,
characterized by questions
and thoughts, unanswered,
unimportant
to anyone but the thinker.
Think think think
for two months
and your mind gets you nowhere
except darker than it was before.

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.