Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Where is the logic in Love?

Love dispels reason.

I'm convinced that Love dispels everything -

it is the core, the answer,

the God that we all search for (in some form or another).

It is interwoven in our hearts.

It has always been there,

and it will always be there.

When we tap into our inner source of Love

we become who we were intended to be -

beings not built on logic and explanation,

but instead on Love and feeling.
on the topic of our limited human existence: 

It's horrible.
I want to be so many beings,
feel so many feelings,
see so many places,
and love so many people.

But I am stuck
in the shell of my life
and my time,
my tiny little place in
history - my individualized
time frame and existence.

I am me,
and this is who
I will always be.

To feel limited is fearsome,
this is a true and horrifying feeling
(I will never be anyone but myself) -

to feel content with what
you know, with who you are,
this is beautiful state to be in.

But to have a continual desire
to know more, to be more -
this is absolutely essential
in moving forward.

Saturday, May 17, 2014


How many times will I lay
in this place, this familiar place
where I've so often
thought and pondered and
questioned the complexity of life,
before my time is up
and I am no longer
a companion to the Earth?

And on that day
all those questions
(the worries, the uncertainties)
will finally be answered -
and I will be free.

Soon, incredibly soon
(it could be any day, any moment),
I will know;
so why do I continue
to lay and ponder
and strain my mind
to make sense of the world
when the solution
is merely around the corner?

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Do you ever stare at your reflection too long? And it all becomes real? Time is momentarily suspended, and you see who you are. One body, one human life form with all the limbs, the mouth, the curious eyes.

This is me. This is who I am. This is the body I have been given, this is the vessel that I will have control over the entirety of my life. (I'm not sure why this thought scares me.)

Maybe because our reflection is a horrible indication of who we are. A reflective surface does not do us justice. We are a collection - a beautiful web if thoughts and emotions - we are so incredibly defined by what is not visibly seen with the eye.

The body, my face - they appear as a stranger to me. There are so many pieces of me scattered everywhere, so much more to me that is hidden behind skin and bone and flesh.

I do not see myself when I look in the mirror; The physicality is true, yes, but I extend infinitely past my definition as a lump of matter.
I see myself when I feel love.
I see myself when I gaze at the clouds.
I see myself in the eyes of the elderly.
I see myself in the writings of my journal.
I see myself when I spend time with people, oh, how I see myself! When the conversation  or moment is just right, I suddenly know who I am - like I was meant to be (born to be) alive and present in this very moment, feeling all these feelings with this other living, breathing human life form beside me.
I see myself in the joy of life; the pain of life.
I see myself as a connection, a connection to God, the creator and sustainer of all life, the answer, the all. I see myself as an element of Him - crafted and vast. Respectfully made of so much more than skin and bone and flesh.
I see myself in the world, swirling, spinning, in figuring life out - in deciphering the madness of my mind.

As for my reflection, I simply see a crazy girl attempting to make sense of the world by scribbling on this page.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

As for God, the One who holds the power, the answer, I don't know anymore. It takes a humbled human state to admit that we don't know about God - to admit that we know so much less than we thought. Is this the proper way to believe in God? To know so little that we subtly give up on explanation? Maybe this is the true form of surrender - to forget the logistics and standards of faith and to believe in God in which ever way He comes - which can be so different for each human, for each individual life experience.

Those who believe often claim that God is all-knowing, loving, and existing. He is everywhere, always, intertwined with every experience, every emotion. But do they live like that? I ask that often, I so often wonder and am preoccupied with the thought. If He really is all of those attributes (which I have great inclination to believe that He is based on my personal human experience) then why do we diminish the impermeable power by only accepting some?What if God does accept all? (Which is what "these people" will claim to believe, but do they practice this thought?)

My mind is extremely limited, I despise that part of life. I know what I have experienced, what I have witnessed, what I have felt. My internal emotions are mine only, I am the only being, the only soul they will belong to. What does this mean about God? Of that, I'm not sure. I do know where my mind stands because I live in it, but as for knowing where others minds stand, I am incapable of knowing. It's an absolutely horrid feeling to be incapable of knowing - it further reminds us of the big picture, the huge life and story unfolding around us. A horrid thought, yes, but equally liberating. We're not responsible for the other wayfarer's trekking along in this life beside us. We can share with them out perceived human experience, our hearts and our love, and express our gratefulness for the human that they are, but we can't be in their minds. We get snippets and pieces of their thoughts with conversation and observation of actions, but that's as far as we go.

So will we ever truly know one another? Once again, I do not know. I believe that the answer is a melancholy no. It's frightful to understand that we will never truly known anyone but ourselves, but I've been having this progressive and beautiful and radical thought (which I hope will not escape me anytime soon) that this is where God steps in. I'd like to believe that God in infinitely compassionate, and that He will not let out shifts on Earth run out without anyone really knowing who we are (besides ourselves, that is).

This is my grand idea here - it's been said umpteen times as long as this orb has been suspended in space and time, I'm sure - but listen close. God knows us. Our thoughts and our ideals, the pretty and the ugly, the everything. The unknown in our brains, the part that we don't use, that we aren't aware of, He fills it. The heart, the blood, the veins, the pumping of life; He adores it because He has the conscious ability to love and understand our lives, more than any other human can love and understand your life. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, He's there and it doesn't stop. This is not a religious fact or a church-y sermon, this is my personal idea of God, expressed and believed by others in the past, but continually believed by me now.

I say these things with confidence because I need some form of explanation for my human existence, and this is what my life has caused me to believe thus far. To hold tight to these ideas, to convey my individuality, and to respect and love others for their existence, All this because I have One being, One ultimate, all-knowing being that knows me better than I know myself; and if I did not have that, I would be utterly alone in my mind and I would go mad.  Someone else has to know the madness and has to explain the madness - God does this. The thought is freeing.

Friday, May 9, 2014

life is ridiculous.
I ponder as I sit beside your grave...

This is what will come of me,
what will come of all of us.
We will one day lay in the ground
in a prestigious wooden box
(well, our body will, that is).
And where will the soul go?

So many souls. So many souls that are
gone, going. So many beings - individual,
beautiful, beings that have been
conquered by death. And more to come.

I've grown to hate this part of life -
the part where you're utterly forced
to face the fate before you,
that death is your destination.

I pity those who live but never acknowledge,
never surrender to the truth that we are fleeting.
Their thoughts of what is to come are scarce,
afraid to let their minds wonder, ponder, and question:
"With an impending death,
what will I do with my life?"

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Glazed-over familiarity,
The monotony of daily life
Drives my mind to insanity.

It is all known. It is all the same.
Every day, always.

Cue change;
Monotony is broken
And a new standard is born.

Generate an altered "normal"
To accommodate the
Fresh knowledge brought about
By the change.

Repeat the cycle
Until change strikes again.
worthwhile, scattered thoughts of the week 

In reality,
where do I fit?
I am so many beings,
so many me's have been
morphed into a singular collection of
skin and bone and framework.

Why do we try and try
to conform to a single being,
to a single identity?
We are an assemblage
of our countless experiences,
emotions, people we've encountered.
They shaped and molded
and made you, you.

In admitting that I know less that I credited myself for;
I will, in return, gain more:

mystery and wonder and whimsy.