stay with me

tell me -
now that I've captured
your spirit,
will you stay with me
here for as long
as we are
physically apart?

will you guide my feet?
will you direct my heart?
will you live inside me
where I can feel you,
where I can know you?

you can stay for as long
as you please. 
oh, how I have missed  
your love
for a long, long year. 

your return fills
my spirit with joy -
a desperate longing
that has finally been
fulfilled.

stay with me..


It's almost been a year now since I've lost my dad. Today I felt his undeniable presence join me. This was the first time I felt him this near, this real. It felt like a beautiful reunion, a running into the arms of a long-lost love, a sensation of being lost and being found. I know that he is alive; in what form he lives, I know not. What I now know, and I indeed know fully well, is the reassuring comfort of his presence.

In the wise words of Rumi:
"It is a drum and arms waving.
It is a bonfire at midnight on the top edge of a hill,
this meeting again with you."

There are two phases in the life of a truth-seeking individual:

a time in which the human learns
and experiences and feels
and takes a look at others
and attempts to understand them -
to put themselves in their shoes,
to respect their perspective,
to realize what it truly means
to love another as yourself.

and a time in which
you apply what you've learned.
this is compassion.

and it is impossible to have one
without the other.

Maybe, just maybe,
the spiritual part of a person
is indeed the most vital part.
Maybe in our spirit lies the fullness of who we are-
spiritual beings that occupy
a physical body for a short period of time,
then we are released from
that foreign body upon death
and we become free and alive and right
for the first time,
and we understand the reasoning
behind the madness we deem "life".
And everyone that we left behind on Earth mourns,
but we now know that there is a world
so incredibly beautiful waiting for us
when our physical functioning ceases.
And we desperately want to share
this crucial information with our loved ones below,
but when we open our mouths to speak,
God intervenes,
"My sweet child, do not spoil the secret.
They, too, will learn of what has been
waiting for them all along when they
arrive and stand beside you. So let their
tears flow and their hearts break -
one day they will experience this no more."


*inspired by T.S. Eliot's quote, "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

Tell me-
how do I unleash this world
that I've created in my mind,
the only world that
makes sense to me?
A world in which dancing freely
is customary,
and loving others comes easy.
And life is not bogged down
by fancy philosophical explanations,
but it is instead felt and experienced
and lived with the brilliant fervor
brought about by uncertainty,

And everything is immersed in light.
And God is in everything,
around everything, and above everything.
And judgement of others has ceased
because everyone is defined by
the same standard - we are all humans,
And simplicity is honored and practiced.
And everyone acts as themselves
because the thought of trying to be
someone you're not is absurd.
And change is welcome -
learning and growing and
acquiring wisdom is practiced.

And, above all,
the people of this world
fully understand that
life is fleeting -
and no, we will not last forever
on this earth,
so we will make this time worth it.

Have you experienced this moment?
That enlightening moment
when suddenly everything is beautiful
and mysterious and surreal and unnatural
and your eyes span the scene playing out around you
and you wonder, with watering eyes
and a full heart, "What is this
enchanting and peculiar process we
deem "life"?- and how did I get so lucky
to experience all its fullness,
right here and right now..."

why wait?

Why wait to
feel, to express, to experience?

Why wait to
tell the ones you love
of all the beautiful thoughts
you have of them?

Why wait to
follow the pull of your heart-
the inescapable path to truth?

Why wait to
see, to go, to explore?

Why wait to live?

From where I stand,
if I stretch my neck
and flex my tippy toes,

I can see hope
far in the distance-
a light, a faint pinkish-rose.

But the path that I travel
is far from easy-
the winds, they ebb and flow

to blow me off course
but I will trek along
on this road that I have chose.

nothing seems permanent 

except maybe

my fascination

with impermanence

I saw the light at the end of the tunnel today.

The brilliant, glorious light that reminded me that hope has not been depleted, nor will it ever be depleted; there is indeed beauty that awaits me at the end of the path I am traveling.

The light that told me that I am not alone, nor have I ever been alone, nor will I ever travel one step without this light guiding me. Though not always seen, the light is always present - even when my eyes are too cloudy to register its reassuring brightness.

And when glancing upon this light I came to the realization that the same light that guides and protects also resides in my heart, showering me with a certain importance, a meaning that can only be fulfilled by me. And indeed the way to fulfill this significance is to keep trekking along the path, to keep following the light no matter where it may lead.

And the source of this light, this eternally burning, eternally guiding flame will never escape from me, and I never from it -

For I live in the light, and the light lives in me.



It's a beautifully inescapable love story.

thoughts on God this week

1.)
The only prayer that is sensible to me right now (possibly the most sensible prayer I've ever prayed):
God,
Help me to be the best me that you made me to be,
And help me to love You & others well.

2.)
I'm abandoning religion for something greater -
I'm abandoning religion for a life with God.

A life not defined by doctrines or rules,
A life defined by wholehearted love
For the One who made it all.

Why the hell am I here -
forced to face my existence
with some sensible form of reason,
yet knowing full well
that I will never receive
a definite explanation
as to why my two feet
were unwillingly placed here
on this specified orb floating
in the vast, mysterious universe?

Life is ridiculously perplexing
if you break through
the monotony of everyday life
to think about it -

But it's worth it.
(I hope)

for dad

I am so very me
Because so very much of you
Has shaped
Me to be me

Why has it taken me
So long to see?
You'll always be with me

The waves crash in the deep blue sea;
The wind caresses the tall oak tree

And in them lives you,

So in them lives me

I am either completely in love with life,
fully immersed, falling head first into
a pit of wonder and whimsy and excitement,
or I am going utterly insane.

I think it's a combination of the two.

But there's a word for this high.
Elation: it is a funny feeling -
you're floating in the clouds,
you're worry free, you're inspired.
But perhaps the most satisfying side effect
of a bout of elation is the inability
to be present anywhere except
the current moment.

It usually happens (for me) after
coffee, after writing,
after God, music, people -
but no matter what produces the feeling,
we should take it and hold it
and live and be free
in our momentary state of bliss.

some thoughts

1.)
If one were to claim that our existence is ordinary,
well, that would be an extraordinary claim -

For I have learned that nothing pertaining to our existence
can be described as mundane..

There are too many beautiful,
indescribable,
and compelling
things occurring.


2.)
I do not feel inspired to write -
I feel inspired to be, to live, to explore!
Yet I find myself writing about being.

What sense does this make?

from the beautiful words of Rumi, a 13-century Sufi mystic & poet

thoughts by the graveside - 8/5/14

I don't know much about anything, in fact, I will admit that I don't know anything about so very much. And this thought often makes me feel scared and unwell. I want to feel powerful and and important, well-know and highly esteemed for unearthly, hidden wisdom and knowledge. But in reality, there's an infinite world of mysteries that could not possibly be unveiled to me while I am a wayfarer here on earth.

I simply know what I've learned in my twenty years in this body. I know what I've felt, I know what I've experienced - I know these full well. We are all very different. No two humans alike. And each life and creature that breathes has their own way of understanding the universe. Although I have found that thinking of my awfully limited lifespan, which is confined to this particular body, to be terrifying, I've also found it to be equally beautiful and awakening. I am the only me that will ever be, there will never be one that exists quite like my personal bundle of flesh and bones and thoughts. This is a liberating encouragement to be myself. We aren't required to change ourselves or be who we aren't because because only one of you was made. And there's no pressure to be someone else - that role is already taken.

And when it comes to others, how freeing is it to love others as they come to you? Not to morph them into a being to serve you or to satisfy you, but to notice how they differ from you and to love them anyway? This is so powerful. One of the most noble deeds that you may ever do in your lifetime is to love those that you have no business loving. How lovely is that?

And amidst my cloud of unknowing in this life, the cloud that I often try to pierce and understand (unsuccessfully, I might add), I have learned that uncertainty is okay. In fact, uncertainty is more than okay, it's a vital, driving force that keeps us pressing forward, keeps us awake and alive and on our toes, keeps us searching for our meaning and purpose in life - wherever you may find it. 

I can't help but believe that uncertainty leads to truth, that questions lead to answers,

and that unknowing leads to knowing full well that we will never have all the answers, 

but what's life without the element of mystery? 

My heart is full of ideas;
my mind is full of questions.

So many places I could be,
people I could become,
sights to be seen,
lives to be understood -

but I am here.

And is here
where I am intended to be? -
I think yes,
but a defying opinion
arises when I consider
the vast possibilities in life,
the potential that humans hold
to paint their existence
in whichever way they please.

Something is growing in me,
inspiring me to discover, to become,
and that something feels a lot like
a pull in the right direction.

But for now -
I am here;
and the present
is the only reality
that I know.

Quotes that have inspired me this week:

"Do all the good you can. 

By all the means you can. 

In all the ways you can. 

In all the places you can. 

At all the times you can. 

To all the people you can. 

As long as ever you can"

John Wesley 

“It is good to love many things, 

for therein lies the true strength, 

and whosoever loves much performs much, 

and can accomplish much, 

and what is done in love is well done.”

Vincent Van Gogh 

thoughts by the graveside 

How wonderful is it
to exist, to be alive,
to take breath,
to feel sunlight,
to feel wind.

How mysterious our existence -
how unfathomable
the world's creation.

And what tiny humans we are!
We think we have great knowledge,
yet our understanding
is so very small,
so very limited -

Yet each human carries
a specific purpose.
An allotted time and place
in history,
a personalized lifetime.


How beautiful and peculiar
the process of life.

July 11th, 2014

This being of me,
this strange existentialist feeling,
is often saturated with joy
when reminded
that the sun
is warm and free
and accessible
to us all.

rollerblading thoughts

1.)
Actualization of self -
fully realizing
who you are,
what defines you,
and the undeniable
significance of your soul -
is important.

2.)
I've discovered that the fuel
to love others
comes from loving myself,

which comes from
being in love with a God
that made me myself,

which comes from
loving the nature
of God Herself -
and all of Her
perfect, beautiful
creativity.

Thus,
the source of Love.

3.)
I think a lot of us are unintentionally ordinary.
We set out on a driven quest
to be known and appreciated for who we are,
but soon we sink into the pit of mediocrity.

4.)
Healing is a process.
Healing is feeling the sun.
Healing is feeling like everything's okay,
even if it's just for the moment.

clouds, clouds 

clouds, clouds,
sing to me;
reveal to me
your bubbly shape
and magnificent form
of swirling cotton,
tenderly soft, yet
tantalizingly beautiful.

A glance upward
exposes a beauty unmatched.
The confidence of love
paired with
simple, charming grace is
exposed in your wispy fringe.
A feathery vulnerability,
a lovely affair
is artfully painted
in these downy
white masses
that float in
the mystical beyond.


clouds, clouds,
tell me,
what is your secret?

There's something inside of me that is filled with hope - it cannot be ceased under any circumstance. I have seen tragedy, I have seen death (touched death), I have questioned my sanity, I have doubted my belief, I have fallen apart, I have been broken to pieces, reassembled, then broken again.

I am makeshift.

Yes, I am makeshift. Every day, every moment, I am changing, twisting, turning, building upon what I learn and know, becoming different, becoming new, morphing into myself.

There is an all-encompassing theme to who I am - a being filled with hope. A hope that there is more; there is more than me and my limited human experience. There is a creator of me, a creator of us all; a creator that isn't anything but madly in love with us. For all that we are - our broken pieces, our makeshift lives, our shittiness, our joyousness. We are a sum of love; built by love, broken by love, reassembled by love.

The creator fills the cracks where we've been broken and torn. In the midst of darkness enters the goodness, the fullness, of light. A shining, dazzling, beautiful glint of this feeling identified as hope - a feeling never fully depleted, for it is what gives us the faith to carry on.

one of the bad days 

How would I be capable
of explaining this life,
this series of events,
explaining the way it has
changed me, morphed me,
into a person I no longer know,
to any other soul?

I'm fully convinced
that no other would understand;
I don't feel comfortable in my
own skin, my own mind.

I feel foreign.
My feet travel forward,
immersing themselves in
the continuation of time,
of life, of activity,
but my mind protests.

Where do I belong now?
with a lost father, a lost faith -
at loss of any explanation,
any meaning behind the madness.

I am a lonely wayfarer
consumed with the brutality
of uncertainty.

Am I going insane or unveiling the secrets that a tedious life keeps from us? 

There is a true, pure force within me.

I'm looking for it. Every day, always - I'm looking for it. That undeniable feeling of fulfillment and truth that comes and goes.

It comes when I see the sunlight, the clouds, the layered green trees manipulated by gusty spurts of air.

It comes when I peer into the eyes of a loved one. When I notice them - honestly and fully notice them for all that they are, and all that they are worth.

It comes in the stillness of sight, the beauty of the day, the dark of the night. My eyes are a portal to what I understand of the world, of what I comprehend and make sense of, they are my compass to discovery.

It comes when I realize that this true, pure force within in me, the same force that I long to feel, I long to hold on to, I long to make my life about, has a mirrored force (high above) that created all that surrounds me.

It feels a lot like love.

Life is a crazy occurrence. Reality is unnatural, but we as humans (limited beings) have made it out to be natural, normal, monotonous...

Let's think this through.

People - our feet are bound to a water-filled, land-covered orb suspended in space. There are billions of orbs like ours floating around us, but we inhabit this one. No one is one hundred percent certain as to why we're here, experiencing all these moments of pain and joy, connecting to fellow wayfarer's around us. We can claim ideas and explanations and faiths in an attempt to process why we exist here, in this place, in this time, but I am convinced that nothing is certain. Maybe certainty is overrated. Maybe to be uncertain is to be in the minority - to be in love with life regardless of explanation. How the moments fit together, what they mean, and the excitement of not yet knowing the moments that will come - uncertainty is beautiful.

What I am convinced of is that there is some force greater, beyond our comprehension, that explains the reasoning behind our seemingly irrational existence. We have to trust that force in an attempt to remain sane. If we had no purpose or reason for living, then how could we trek on? We're all trusting something - that something that keeps us alive and feeling worthy of breath. It's keeping us passionate about moving forward, it's our explanation, our flame of existence.

As if contemplating why we're here isn't bewildering enough, there's this all-embracing theory that has been long claimed to explain it all -

Love.

In each religion, spirituality, in each heart and mind, there is this strong universal concept that connects us to people and activities and life in a way that we are unable to fully describe. How interesting that the closest way I can explain my existence on this earth is by a concept of feeling that's nearly unexplainable.

Feelings of love trounce me. Talk of love overwhelms me. Attempting to rationalize why I'm madly in love with my passions burdens me. I don't want to explain it - I can't explain it. I have no answer for it. But I can feel it.

How something can be equally simple and complex at the same moment, as it is with love, strikes me as indescribable. And for some odd reason I am comforted by explaining my existence with an unexplainable concept. This reassures me that the pressure is not on me, a single, minuscule human being, to create a purpose for myself. The purpose already lives inside of me, it flows from me naturally. The purpose is love - a force beyond it all.

Life, the process of existing, is a crazy occurence.
I have found it to in no way be natural, normal, or monotonous.

the two infinities 

This is life
and I am existing
in this moment
suspended in time.
My breath sustains me,
my heart retains me.
I feel an overwhelming
presence of something
bigger and wiser
beyond me.
It brings me peace.

I lay beside you.
The sun shines;
it warms my skin
but you are under the ground.
(Are you able to feel the sun?)

I want to feel you here,
present in this very moment
with me, but I am unable.
I feel bothersome;
I feel incredibly anxious
as to what life will
become without you,
but I trek on.

Death is a funny thing;
life is a funny thing.
And oddly enough,
they are strikingly similar -
they both keep going,
creating the only infinities
that we know
(we are either alive
or we are dead).
They propel us to feel,
to dream, to create who we are.
You will live
and then you will die:
and who will you become?

The limiting reagent of life
is time.
Time is limiting, fleeting, fearsome.
Your time has run out.
My time is ticking
as I lay here,
sun shining, breeze blowing,
inspiring thoughts
of existence.

Are you keenly aware of your feet moving
in a impetuous fashion, propelling you through another day?
Are you stopping to relish in the beauty
of the radiant, shining sun, feeling the warmth blanket your skin?
Are you noticing the beating human hearts that surround you
as you walk the streets, respecting each human as uniformly important?

You are alive,
but are you living?

maybe

Maybe things get worse
before they get better.
Maybe there's a tiny light
that shines in even
the darkest of days.

Maybe as we grow older
we grow wiser;
acquiring experiences and
knowledge only learned
by the weathering away
of years.

Maybe time heals wounds.
Maybe faith heals the broken.
Maybe questions are the answer.
Maybe love is all you need.
Maybe life is a mystery
not meant to be solved
but meant to be
consciously felt
and personally experienced.

Maybe, just maybe,
uncertainty is beautiful.

Here I sit
the thirteenth of June, a Friday,
in the year of two thousand and fourteen.

I gaze upon
the baby blue infinite sky
creating a quintessential backdrop
for the green leaves of trees
carelessly flowing,
passively surrendered to the waves of the wind.

And a million questions circulate
through my bewildered mind,

but as I gaze upon the beautiful phenomenon
occurring before me,

I feel okay.

on the topic of being alive 

1.)
I feel creative and
I feel an iota of something similar to teen angst.
I feel angry and
supremely liberated at the same time.
I feel incredibly confused about life
yet undoubtedly in love with a God
who has all the answers.

I feel inner turmoil and
I feel inner peace.
I feel it all.
I feel alive;
and isn't that what I've always wanted?


2.)
I think we're all living to feel alive. If we didn't feel as though our existence is worth something, then why else would we live?
That's why humans are in relentless, continual pursuit to find something, someone, anything that makes them feel infinite, important, meaningful: alive.

These things we cling to, these beacons of hope, keep us moving and keep us reminded that we are very much so in existence and full of an intended purpose.

Grief is a peculiar thing.
It strips away the life that you knew,
but it leaves behind a being
reborn and new, yet dazzed and bewildered,
alive in the wake of disaster.

I do believe that we have free will.
An exceptionally beautiful facet of life is the complete authority to govern your own life.
But I will throw you a curve ball here: how much of our life (our individualized human experience) is actually ours?
Hasn't a majority (if not all) of what we know, what we believe, been taught to us? We are presented with thoughts and ideas and we mold them to fit our lives.
We've been morphed and shaped to be who we are based on our surroundings, how we were raised, what we know (I am not dispelling the fact that we are able to break free of our molds - we are, but they are still deeply ingrained in the essence of who we are).
I think that we'd like to view life as a subjective experience, when in fact, a majority of it is probably objective - concepts that we have been taught to believe by others, passed down and lived out from person to person, time to time).

I'll use this analogy: we were born with a cone on our heads. (You know, sorta like those awkward ones that they put around dogs neck to prevent them from licking themselves and causing infection?)
When you were young, your scope of knowledge, your understanding of the world was incredibly narrow. You knew what those who raised you knew.
As you grow older and experience life outside the domain of a constant caregiver(s) with their own perception of life, the cone gradually expands as you meet new people and experience new lifestyles and learn that everyone's not like you.
The cone has expanded, but it's still the same cone, it's still the same foundational element that you were born with. Your basic understanding of the world is more or less still the same: objective.
You catch some subjective experiences here and there (which I personally consider direct experiences with the Divine) and widen the cone, but the framework has already been set.

So, why do I write about this?
I want to rip the cone off
and become my own being.
Not a collection of all that came before me;
but a free being, One with the Divine.

I want to experience life without preconceived judgments
but I'm afraid that this isn't possible.

Where is the logic in Love?

Love dispels reason.

I'm convinced that Love dispels everything -

it is the core, the answer,

the God that we all search for (in some form or another).

It is interwoven in our hearts.

It has always been there,

and it will always be there.

When we tap into our inner source of Love

we become who we were intended to be -

beings not built on logic and explanation,

but instead on Love and feeling.

on the topic of our limited human existence: 

1.
It's horrible.
I want to be so many beings,
feel so many feelings,
see so many places,
and love so many people.

But I am stuck
in the shell of my life
and my time,
my tiny little place in
history - my individualized
time frame and existence.

I am me,
and this is who
I will always be.


2. 
To feel limited is fearsome,
this is a true and horrifying feeling
(I will never be anyone but myself) -

to feel content with what
you know, with who you are,
this is beautiful state to be in.

But to have a continual desire
to know more, to be more -
this is absolutely essential
in moving forward.

sanctuary 

How many times will I lay
in this place, this familiar place
where I've so often
thought and pondered and
questioned the complexity of life,
before my time is up
and I am no longer
a companion to the Earth?

And on that day
all those questions
(the worries, the uncertainties)
will finally be answered -
and I will be free.

Soon, incredibly soon
(it could be any day, any moment),
I will know;
so why do I continue
to lay and ponder
and strain my mind
to make sense of the world
when the solution
is merely around the corner?

Do you ever stare at your reflection too long? And it all becomes real? Time is momentarily suspended, and you see who you are. One body, one human life form with all the limbs, the mouth, the curious eyes.

This is me. This is who I am. This is the body I have been given, this is the vessel that I will have control over the entirety of my life. (I'm not sure why this thought scares me.)

Maybe because our reflection is a horrible indication of who we are. A reflective surface does not do us justice. We are a collection - a beautiful web if thoughts and emotions - we are so incredibly defined by what is not visibly seen with the eye.

The body, my face - they appear as a stranger to me. There are so many pieces of me scattered everywhere, so much more to me that is hidden behind skin and bone and flesh.

I do not see myself when I look in the mirror; The physicality is true, yes, but I extend infinitely past my definition as a lump of matter.
I see myself when I feel love.
I see myself when I gaze at the clouds.
I see myself in the eyes of the elderly.
I see myself in the writings of my journal.
I see myself when I spend time with people, oh, how I see myself! When the conversation  or moment is just right, I suddenly know who I am - like I was meant to be (born to be) alive and present in this very moment, feeling all these feelings with this other living, breathing human life form beside me.
I see myself in the joy of life; the pain of life.
I see myself as a connection, a connection to God, the creator and sustainer of all life, the answer, the all. I see myself as an element of Him - crafted and vast. Respectfully made of so much more than skin and bone and flesh.
I see myself in the world, swirling, spinning, in figuring life out - in deciphering the madness of my mind.

As for my reflection, I simply see a crazy girl attempting to make sense of the world by scribbling on this page.

As for God, the One who holds the power, the answer, I don't know anymore. It takes a humbled human state to admit that we don't know about God - to admit that we know so much less than we thought. Is this the proper way to believe in God? To know so little that we subtly give up on explanation? Maybe this is the true form of surrender - to forget the logistics and standards of faith and to believe in God in which ever way He comes - which can be so different for each human, for each individual life experience.

Those who believe often claim that God is all-knowing, loving, and existing. He is everywhere, always, intertwined with every experience, every emotion. But do they live like that? I ask that often, I so often wonder and am preoccupied with the thought. If He really is all of those attributes (which I have great inclination to believe that He is based on my personal human experience) then why do we diminish the impermeable power by only accepting some?What if God does accept all? (Which is what "these people" will claim to believe, but do they practice this thought?)

My mind is extremely limited, I despise that part of life. I know what I have experienced, what I have witnessed, what I have felt. My internal emotions are mine only, I am the only being, the only soul they will belong to. What does this mean about God? Of that, I'm not sure. I do know where my mind stands because I live in it, but as for knowing where others minds stand, I am incapable of knowing. It's an absolutely horrid feeling to be incapable of knowing - it further reminds us of the big picture, the huge life and story unfolding around us. A horrid thought, yes, but equally liberating. We're not responsible for the other wayfarer's trekking along in this life beside us. We can share with them out perceived human experience, our hearts and our love, and express our gratefulness for the human that they are, but we can't be in their minds. We get snippets and pieces of their thoughts with conversation and observation of actions, but that's as far as we go.

So will we ever truly know one another? Once again, I do not know. I believe that the answer is a melancholy no. It's frightful to understand that we will never truly known anyone but ourselves, but I've been having this progressive and beautiful and radical thought (which I hope will not escape me anytime soon) that this is where God steps in. I'd like to believe that God in infinitely compassionate, and that He will not let out shifts on Earth run out without anyone really knowing who we are (besides ourselves, that is).

This is my grand idea here - it's been said umpteen times as long as this orb has been suspended in space and time, I'm sure - but listen close. God knows us. Our thoughts and our ideals, the pretty and the ugly, the everything. The unknown in our brains, the part that we don't use, that we aren't aware of, He fills it. The heart, the blood, the veins, the pumping of life; He adores it because He has the conscious ability to love and understand our lives, more than any other human can love and understand your life. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, He's there and it doesn't stop. This is not a religious fact or a church-y sermon, this is my personal idea of God, expressed and believed by others in the past, but continually believed by me now.

I say these things with confidence because I need some form of explanation for my human existence, and this is what my life has caused me to believe thus far. To hold tight to these ideas, to convey my individuality, and to respect and love others for their existence, All this because I have One being, One ultimate, all-knowing being that knows me better than I know myself; and if I did not have that, I would be utterly alone in my mind and I would go mad.  Someone else has to know the madness and has to explain the madness - God does this. The thought is freeing.

Sometimes
life is ridiculous.
I ponder as I sit beside your grave...

This is what will come of me,
what will come of all of us.
We will one day lay in the ground
in a prestigious wooden box
(well, our body will, that is).
And where will the soul go?

So many souls. So many souls that are
gone, going. So many beings - individual,
beautiful, beings that have been
conquered by death. And more to come.

I've grown to hate this part of life -
the part where you're utterly forced
to face the fate before you,
that death is your destination.

I pity those who live but never acknowledge,
never surrender to the truth that we are fleeting.
Their thoughts of what is to come are scarce,
afraid to let their minds wonder, ponder, and question:
"With an impending death,
what will I do with my life?"

Glazed-over familiarity,
The monotony of daily life
Drives my mind to insanity.

It is all known. It is all the same.
Every day, always.

Cue change;
Monotony is broken
And a new standard is born.

Generate an altered "normal"
To accommodate the
Fresh knowledge brought about
By the change.


Repeat the cycle
Until change strikes again.

worthwhile, scattered thoughts of the week 

1
In reality,
where do I fit?
I am so many beings,
so many me's have been
morphed into a singular collection of
skin and bone and framework.

Why do we try and try
to conform to a single being,
to a single identity?
We are an assemblage
of our countless experiences,
emotions, people we've encountered.
They shaped and molded
and made you, you.


2
In admitting that I know less that I credited myself for;
I will, in return, gain more:

mystery and wonder and whimsy.

The brevity of life
is so incredibly horrid;
they say it's what makes life sweet,
I've tasted it - it was sour.
It was putrid, repulsive.
I'd rather eat a flaming bagel
with protruding knives
than be up close and personal
with the brevity of life again.

One flick of your switch,
and you're snuffed out.
Death doesn't care of the plans you've made,
of the aspirations and dreams you had.
It only cares to claim another victim;
to feed its uncanny desire
to mess with the mind of the living,
to make them question.

If I could kill death,
I would kill it with compassion, kindness.
(Isn't that what God did, in body form?)
I would approach subtly, yet pleading softly,
as a noble night would be chivalrous:
"Please don't take the ones I love.
Please don't take me.
I'm unsure of what's to come of me."
As the terrified wayfarer that I am,
death would look me in the eye
and deliver the final, crushing blow: no mercy.
Never mind a shield of armor;
it will not save me here.
The armor is but a tactic, anyway,
to appear tougher than I actually am.

Now, I have discussed death
and the thoughts that I have on demise.
But we have yet to discuss God;
who I believe is the beautiful, opposing
force of the universe
that likely has a mesmeric and radiant
solution to overcome
our unwilling grapple with death.

The story it to be continued.

thoughts by the graveside - 4/26/14

By the graveside
you cannot hide.
You are beside death,
and who, when they are beside death,
can distract their mind?

No one. You are forced
to face the reality that
this mound of fresh dirt,
these fake flowers,
they are your destiny.

You are returning to dust.
Every day you live,
you are a little closer
than the day before.

2.
You will one day leave your home.
You will one day leave the only home you've ever known,
often unexpectedly.
And where will you go?
Of this I do not know with assurance.

3. 
Sometimes I wonder
how life is even real.
There are so many surreal moments -
or is that just life?
A web, a collection
of unexplainable moments
that morph together and
equate to our reality.

Such is life.

4.
Life is equal parts of living and dying.
We are living everyday and dying everyday.

5. 
I am very much in love with life;
I am also absurdly preoccupied with death.

6. 
You must believe in God
in a place such as this.
What do you think of all this?
Was it meaningless?
All these lives, lived and lost.
And look what they amount to.

bike ride

In that one moment in time,
those few seconds of existence
on this floating orb
in the vast universe;
I felt infinite.

Everything was mine.
I possessed every treasure
that the heart could hold.
Every experience, every emotion,
every day that I had lived
morphed in an instant; I felt it all.
And I was content.

It fit together so lovely.
I felt so beautiful and free
and welcomed by the world
and the people that passed.
(Did they know of the
euphoric moment I was experiencing?)

The clouds lowered to the gravel path
and I glided along on them,
two wheels effortlessly carried my soul,
my hopes, my dreams, my passions.
All that I am weighted on a bicycle.

The answer to life
lies in moments like these.
And the question is -
where do they come from?
Is it You, God, are you in control -
serendipitously supplying
these intoxicating moments
for us humans to live
in hope that we will
credit You for our happiness?

I have yet to realize if thinking deeply
has created in me a new sense of
renewed, glorious existence,
                   or
If it has stunted me from the life that
I once lived, the one-path life
characterized by a distinct
explanation and meaning.

9 a.m. on a brilliant & sunny morning 

I get a certain, semi-indescribable infinite feeling when I look up.
The clouds - fluffy, white masses of hope - tell me that this life is exceptionally real.
It is right here, right now. It is fleeting.
Why do you think the picture-perfect clouds move so fast?
No beautiful and surreal moment lasts,
but that doesn't mean that the clouds won't float freely again on another day.
There will be more and more and more of these moments.
But quick - look now! Don't waste another day.
Because the days go on and on, sometimes they drag,
but the stark reality is that they will not last forever - only a lifetime.

A lifetime! - what an extensive period of time, right?
No, I think otherwise: life is faster than our minds can process, slipping from our tight grasp.
"Life, stay with me!" I plead and cry, but it always refuses.
It moves anyway, like the clouds - shifting, changing, fleeting, momentary.

The horrifying part of this thought, the part that nags the back of my mind (the part I recall in tears),
is that the clouds will go on even when I fly away.
When I am no longer a wayfarer friend to this earth, they will continue to float on,
shedding their beauty on the day, keeping the sun company.

Another, brighter thought, an easier recollection:
when I fly away, will I then become one with the clouds,
and know them greater than I have before?
Will I reside in their comforting shape and
in turn, bring comfort to those below, still present on earth?

They have an answer -
but they won't tell me.

two thoughts on human life

one
I can't help but consider
how beautiful life would be
if we had nothing to prove
to anyone but ourselves.

If we were totally, wholeheartedly
free to be who we are,
what would this world be like?
(Surely there would be no
carbon-copies of humans,
and individuality would be praised.)

A desire pulses in me
to create this world. 

two
Celebrate diversity
and different paths of life,
different paths to truth.
(And love God while doing it).

We don't have to be cookie cutter.

the composition of a wave

My mind is racing.
I'm treading water - stay alive!
faster, faster, the waves approach.

They knock me this way and that,
my mind bursts with thought as I
tumble side to side.

The fluidity of the waves amazes me,
they topple freely, tumble indefinitely,
they don't question when or why,
they just do.
This brings peace to my mind.

Such is life.

That me that I've always wanted to be,
yes, that me, that me lives inside me -
I am she.

I am who I've wanted to be.
Who did I want to be?
I wanted to be me;
the best me I could be.
And that best me
has always lived inside me -
She is me.

I am my best,
even at my worst.
I am myself,
even when I desire to be a better me.
I am always the best me
because no one can be a better me
than I can be.

She is me
and I am she.

Alanis Morissette

We are but a breath,
a flash, a vapor.
We're here and gone;
often unknowing of when
we will disappear
into the clouds.

The brevity is real;
you will not survive this life.
It will bury you into the dust,
the mystery from which you came.

One day you, yes, you,
will cease to exist.
You will simply no longer be
alive and well on this planet earth.
The only world you've ever known
will be pulled out from
under your feet.

Death takes all prisoner.
None get out alive.

We are fleeting.

words that have influenced my mind this week:

"I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love's not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time..."

-Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I've always wondered what it would be like to live the life of another. Why I was placed in this body at this point of time, I do not know; and I will not know until I acquire the answers when I go somewhere greater, maybe God will tell me. But to live your own life with the curiosity of what it would be like to live the life of another - this can be both a futile and sympathetic curiosity. Futile in the sense that it will never happen. We can be compassionate and attempt to understand another human's life, but at the end of the day, we are still ourselves, and that is who we will remain. But it is also sympathetic; we can gain a sense of empathy and favor for the person's life that we are desiring to live as, to be placed in their shoes is extremely different from observing their life and creating our own ideas about what it would be like. 

Sylvia Plath said it right - we can not overlook our own lives, our own frailty, or our own subjective experiences because we are preoccupied, wondering what it would be like if we were another. 

"Do you know, 

that every day's

the first of the

rest of your life."

- Thriving Ivory, Angels On The Moon

Yes, I knew that. But have I thought about it? No. 

I can feel the brevity of my life, I can feel it slipping away, I am incapable of making it stop. And I hate that. 

But I am amazed at our ability to create our lives, to put our past behind us and step ahead.

When I hear the phrase "the rest of your life" I think of it as a whole. I hear people often asking, "what are you going to do with your life? What are the plans for the rest of your life?" I think that when I hear this (and I am assuming that this happens to others, too), I automatically assume that we are referring to the future, what is to come, instead of what is right here, right now. 

This moment right here, this living, breathing moment, is the rest of your life. Not tomorrow, not next week, it is right here. You are living it.

The rest of your life is a continuum of every moment that you life from this point on. 

This is a radical concept to understand; and if more of us did, it would change the way we live. 

Have you felt life lately?

I'm asking you,

have you stopped to just feel it?

To peer up into the world you are inhabiting. 

To feel breath as it enters, exits, as it sustains you.

To stand in contentment and notice your frailty.

To be quiet with your emotions, let them be.

To feel one with something greater. 

You are here;

you are now.

Feel your existence,

because it's the 

truest aspect of life

that we know. 

a bewildered mind at 2 a.m.

I am amazed at the fact that every time I lie down to sleep, I am still the same person that I was yesterday. And the day before that. And as long as I've existed. I've always been myself, I'll always be myself. I am me. And not anyone else. I am incapable of being someone else. This seems like a simple and silly and obvious though, but it's not. It's quite dynamic, really.

I go through many changes in a day, so many shifts and tears and emotions. How can I possibly be the same person that I was the day before? Life is shifting, moving, it is never stagnant.

Maybe we do change who we are. Maybe we change when we are shaped by our circumstances and by things that we have no control over. And we do change our physical appearance and we do change our attitudes. And we do change when we have a broken heart. And I suppose we change when we fall in love. And I've seen a human meet God, and I've seen that human change and become quite different.

But there's something inside us (or I'd like to think that there is) that is unchanging, it will not shift. It is constant; it is the essence of who we are. You are only you. There will never be any other you. You are the only you that you can be. And yes, as humans we will be shaped by the life swirling around us, and we will change and become different as we were before. Our qualities and traits are not static; you may gain more joy, your mind may grow in darkness. The human will meet God, the human will lose someone they love, the human will fall head over heels in love, the human will gain a new passion for nature, the human will be angered beyond words, the human will be lonely. Humans experience countless changes. What is beautiful is that in the midst of all these changes, the human is still itself. It has something that can never be taken away - the essence of its being.

I live in my body and experience in my body, but I am not my body. There is a spirit within me that is beyond my body, beyond my mind, and in that spirit lies the answer - the answer to how we can lie down at the end of the day and still be ourselves.

There is an intrinsic nature to humans, very much lovely, very much to be appreciated, very much full of God. We are who we are, and that can not be taken from us.

There's a guilt in surviving.
There's a guilt in going on
and living life
when the one that you love

is gone.

Dhammapada - Buddhist scripture

let today be today

let yourself feel today

let yourself love today

let yourself grieve today

let yourself free today

be yourself today -

whatever "you" today brings

don't feel how you

think you should feel.

feel how you're feeling

and let it be. 

sorry for the bleakness (I'm not really apologizing)

Pissed off at the world
because nothing is the same.
You're gone and I swear
that the world has shifted
and now turns on a new axle.
A detrimental axle.
(Why can't everyone feel it?
Am I the only one?)
And what the hell is wrong
with my mind?
I have thoughts that
I didn't even know
my brain was capable
of having: chaos in my mind.

My advice to you;
never lose someone,
this may happen to you.
And if you do?
Read this and know
that you're not the only
messed up one
out there.

this new skin

this new skin
this new skin
this new skin
that I'm in
will take some adjusting,
I suppose.

But I did not ask
for this new skin;
I did not willingly
shed the old skin;
it was ripped off me
as I cried next to
your lifeless body
on the living room floor.

With each tear,
with each touch
of your hand,
feeling it grow
colder and colder,
life as I knew it
was ending.
Death likes to take
sanity along with it,
and skin - involuntarily.

I am not living
my life anymore.
I am living in
a new skin.
A skin with the
absence of my
faith, hope, and love
(as I knew them).
These were ripped
off in death.

this new skin
this new skin
this new skin
that I'm in
is not enjoyable,
but in what other
skin will I live?

This is my fate.

Lao Tzu

I am a collection
of all my thoughts;
I am a collection
of all my actions.
I am a collection
of all that have come before me
and all that surround me.

I am a collection
of beautiful mystery;
a piece of the great unknown
(which is life).
I am a collection and connection
to God, the God of Love
(however you see Him:
nature clouds, people,
doubt, exploration)

We are all a collection of one -
each being is our neighbor.
We each express stark individuality
but have a unifying connection
of life-giving Beauty
(I see Him as clouds)
living inside us.

a brief look into my mind on 4/1/14 (scattered thoughts)

1.) The way I see it is this -
grief can create a fool of you,
or it can be a way to glorify
the life that was lost,
and to express your love
to that person by living
a brighter and more
beautiful life.

2.) I sat
and I saw
a long journey
ahead of me,

a necessary journey
with light at the end.

3.) I took a step
to start my new life today.

As a new being,
a new spiritual being,
a new life with one less,
but in the process
of gaining much more.

Your death will be glorified.

Those days where
the sky doesn't
look (even slightly) real;
it's far too beautiful,
it's far too lovely
to be in plain sight
for the entire world.

Surely it's a painting
or an outcome of
my imagination.

On these days,
I find myself believing
in the power of
the great Unknown -
whatever is beyond
those clouds
is the answer.

Personification of God (I think)

Sunlight
Sunlight
Sunlight
and more Sunlight.
Sunlight is lovely
and heart warming.
Sunlight is true love.
Sunlight is the answer
to a dreary day -
to a dreary life?

Sunlight is happiness.
Sunlight is joy.
Sunlight is right in
front of you.

Find the Sunlight
and live in it.

I remember when life was
beautiful and alive and free
and I stared at the clouds
as a guide to my day
(You were up there).

How clouds are pleasing
to the eye, but not to the soul.
(Are You up there?)

I love my fervor,
my passion,
the God and the dad
that I knew so well
three months ago
on the living room floor.
How could this happen?

If only I could change the past
to be guided by the clouds again.

There was once a flower.
A beautiful, blooming flower
of bright pink and green -
glimmering in the sun.
He overlooked all the land
and smiled upon what he saw.

A tiny, helpless ladybug
had no where to rest.
She had been on a
long, tiresome journey.
She spotted the glimmering flower
from her home in the shrubs.
"Maybe he knows the way to rest",
she thought.
She delicately approached the flower -
she was wary, cautious,
its perfection could not possibly be true.
Did the flower even notice
her puny self approaching?

The flower knew tiny ladybug.
He had been watching her in the shrubs.
He knew where each of her spots
had come from.
He thought she was so unique
and wonderful - "she shines so bright",
the flower thought.
He wished tiny ladybug
would come talk to him.
Surely his petals would
bring her great comfort and rest.

The ladybug's tiny legs
carried her to the stem,
"Hello", she called up to the flower,
"Are you up there?"
"I have been on a very long
and tiresome journey
and would like a place to rest."
"Do you have such a place for me?"

The flower welled up
with grace and might.
He rejoiced - his petals shook
with utter excitement.
"Could it be?" He thought,
"Tiny ladybug has finally come
to talk to me."
He reached down and lifted
her from the ground,
higher and higher tiny ladybug
went until she rested upon
the flower's petals.

Tiny ladybug was so astonished
by the flower's beauty,
every hue, every color, everything
was covered in brightness.
But soon tiny ladybug felt
covered in shame,
"Surely I don't belong here.
I have lived my entire life in the shrubs."
"I don't deserve this;
I am covered in dirty spots."

The flower was struck
with compassion,
he wrapped his mighty petal
around ladybug's tiny body
and stripped her clean of her spots.
Then flower said,
"You have always belonged here.
You are always welcome here.
You will never be too dirty or
have too many spots -
I will never stop washing you clean.
You are home."

Tiny ladybug found the rest
she had been searching for
and lived out the remainder
of her years
dancing and rejoicing
on the flower's petals.

Life is confusing, and hard,
and painful,
especially when characterized by loss.
Why?
Loss evokes change;
it is gone, it will not return,
a vital piece of thriving, everyday life,
gone.

You cannot remain the same.

And then the world is flipped,
flopped, and it spins on a new axle;
An axle with the ghost
of the life that has passed.
And change unpacks its suitcase
and pretends its your friend.

You are not my friend.

Change is uncomfortable and bitter,
rotten and unfair.
My life should not have changed
under these circumstances.
God, where are You?

Love and loss,
are these the two true axles
that keep the world spinning?

Everything is spinning,
turning, and changing,
and my life is becoming
unnecessarily complicated.

I'd like to return to
life before all of this happened;
but it's impossible.

Quietly, gently,
I sense a great Presence
whispering to me,
"Trek on, my tiny wayfarer,
I have this all figured out".

a note to myself, shared with the world

Love all kinds of people.

Our species is so impressive
and so beautiful,
and each organism so
incredibly unique
that we would be missing out
if we limited ourselves
to loving only a few
kinds of people.

Maybe we could learn
a thing or two from those
that differ from us;
maybe we can transform an
exclusive species of human beings
into an inclusive one.

Maybe we can all connect;
but that will not happen
until we set aside our differences
and step outside of our box
to love all kinds of people.

One thing I really hate about life
is that other people are losing theirs
while I am still living.

And I am left wondering -
where do I go from here?

Everything was perfect -
and then it broke,
fell, and shattered
on the living room floor -
my sanity, that is.

I'm hoping that
I have to fall apart
to fall back together,
but for now
I am living
with the devil
in my insane mind.

What if it's true;
what if the kingdom
of heaven is really within
every human being that lives
on this speck in the universe -
but only some realize it?

This would be radical.
This would be outrageous,
insane, and totally unbelievable
(in the best way possible).
This would be life-changing.
This would change everyone's
course of action on planet Earth.

So,
what if it's true?
Then I want to believe it.

I want a swoop down,
serendipitous Savior.
Is it You, God?
The God that I know?
Truth be told,
I have felt very abandoned
by You lately.
I wish I could bottle up
all the amazing, real moments
I've had with You
in the past
(before everything changed)
and drink the potion
when I feel unsure,
which is so often lately.
I guess I'm learning
that You don't work
like lightening bolt-magic.
But You could, right?
You're all powerful, they say.

Do it for me.

A stark reminder -
a true reminder.

"I think life is staggering
and we're just too used to it."
- Donald Miller

part two of my confused mind 

One the outside:
normal.
On the inside:
turmoil.
I'm leading two
separate lives,
neither of which
are satisfying
or give me any answers
or sense of comfort.

Neither of which
are true.
Both are a lie.
If one was "more true"
than the other,
it would be the turmoil -
the tossing and turning
of the Deceiver
between the ears.

I don't have
control of this anymore.
Being myself appeals to me
but so does reinventing myself
to be someone who
knows the reason
behind death.

Do I remain, normal,
unknowing, regarding death
as an unanswerable demon?
Or do I break free,
in turmoil,
and let my mind run wild
at all the possibilities
of why the Power in the sky
let's us live here,
making connections,
making lasting love,
then takes us away?

It's a terrible process.
Especially for the ones
left behind on planet Earth,
orbiting and thinking,
"what's the meaning behind this?"



I'll take turmoil any day.
It's a little more satisfying
than normality.

I haven't posted in awhile. My thought process has been changing; I feel as though my mind has grown darker. I don't know whether this is good, bad, or necessary. We'll see where it takes me.

the two month mark 

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.
My mind is haunting
evoking feelings that are daunting.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'd like to wipe the slate clean
and start new,
like a child ignorant
of the world
and all the cruel
people that live here.
I'd like to be ignorant
to the process of dying,
not knowing that it
will one day come for me.

I see dying a lot now.
I see minds dying,
I see faith dying,
I see brightness dying,
I see hope dying,
I saw my dad, dead.

No one should see that. Ever.
If God is good
then I have been believing wrong
this entire time.
Please, define for me
the true meaning of
the word "good".

The world is very different now,
characterized by questions
and thoughts, unanswered,
unimportant
to anyone but the thinker.
Think think think
for two months
and your mind gets you nowhere
except darker than it was before.

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.

You have a gap?
Fill it.
With people, with God
(there are one in the same),
with ice cream, if necessary.
Promise me -
that you won't feel alone, sweetie.
What brings your joy, comfort?
These things are true,
they bring your Oneness,
fullness with Love.

Beautiful words.

These are people of brightness,
illuminating the world around you,
extinguishing the darkness
by radiating light.

What if we all made a conscious effort to be this kind of person?
What if we believed in others so much that we begin to see truth in them?
What if the truth we notice in others is really pointing to something Greater?
What if we could benefit from loving others for who they are as much as they benefit from it?

The answer to all these questions:
The world would be an insanely different place.

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Are you bright
and fancy enough
with your nuggets
of thoughts
and one-liners?
If you phrase it just right,
you might enchant someone.
Isn't that what you want?

You don't want to
know what's in here.
I would not fit in.
You shouldn't know
the constant flickering
of questions and doubt.
I would not belong.

You do not want
the burden of this brain.
You would not retweet it.

taking a walk on February 21st, 2014

It should not be
mentally acceptable
to be consumed
with so much happiness
and so much indecisiveness
in one moment.

I can't control the madness
of my mind.
It darts and fly's ten thousand
places at once.
There's no internal resting place.

Some days I want to kill
my mind and
all the questions;
other days I want to
dwell in them,
I want to feel them and the
uncertainty, as if it brings me
some form of cruel comfort.

Tell me, God, where are you
present in these days?

The Sun is constantly supplying its light
to an undeserving Earth.
The Sun doesn't ask for anything back.

This is a radical love.
And it confuses me.
Because it's so different from the way that we love as human beings.
We want constant affirmation; we want to know that what we're doing for others is appreciated and noticed.

What if we really didn't have any stipulations for our love for others?
What if it poured out like the Sun,
and what if we didn't ask for anything in return?

It would change everything.

is this what it's like to be in love

I think and I pry
but still you catch my eye.
You're a demon, you're a doll;
there's no peace in this at all.
Just chaos and confusion,
my dear I have been losing
my mind every night,
I'm on a downward plight.

Please, reach Your hand out for me,
save me from the sea
of earthly love and delight
and bathe me in Your Light.

I try so hard to play it cool

and escape from the typical.

"There must be more", 

I think to myself.

But what if it's all

in front of me? 

What if I have known

the truth all along,

but I lost my courage 

to believe it? 

A quote from A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

"Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, "So there's no God after all", but, "So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer."

Beautiful words. There are no better words to describe how my spirituality is progressing right now.

You think that you have it all figured out, you think that you have God figured out, you think that you have a grasp of the unknown,
then wham.
You're hit. You're down.
Everything you thought to be true, everything you had built up and believed in is challenged, even shattered. Pieces are left, the truth is scattered. Where do you go from here?

And in the midst of going through this tribulation (I wouldn't even call it a tribulation; it is simply life), I am unsure of what I believe. But as Lewis says, I am in no danger of ceasing to believe in God; He has such a strong hold on me. Abandoning Him would be like throwing in the towel, giving up. I'm not ready for that.
But my view of Him is changing, it's shifting, and I often find myself on sinking sand; questioning and exploring. I'm starting to believe that there's a lot more to Him than I thought before.
What is God really like? Of that, I am still not sure. And I will never be sure until I reach the moment when I stand in the Sunlight, indefinitely. One constant I have learned about God is love. I find Him in love. I also find Him in so many other feelings and emotions, but the strongest one is love. It's undeniable. When I see or experience love I think of Him.

I know that He is love. I know that I believe in Him. As for everything else, at this moment in time I am not quite sure. One thing that I am hoping for is this; in uncertainty, I will find truth.

Fin.

I'm dying to know -
what does your mind feel like?

Is it swirling, spinning,
uncontrollable,
and terrifying?
Is it taking over
the place of your heart?
Is it detrimental?
Is it consuming from
the inside out?

Or is it peaceful?
Does it hold the truth?

desire

I'd like to meet
the One
who has it
all
figured
out.

outside

Welcome home,
my tiny wayfarer.
It's all here now.
Look around you:
Answers.
They are present.

Get a glimpse
of what so few
discover!
Blessed is the
wayfarer that searches;
they will find truth.

on the topic of being alone

Stagnant and free,

the place I love to be.

It sets the stage for motion

in a world of chaos and commotion.

I'm in that place again.

My mind runs wild.

Dreaming, oh, the possibilities!

It's quite overstimulating.

That infinite feeling,

endless hope, and endless God.

My mind runs wild.

Contentment and reality

mix as one.

Where am I, again? -

Floating, above it all.

Everything's right. Nothing's wrong.

Connected to the sky, journal in hand.

Brightness fills my sight and

my heart runs wild.

I'm telling you, my tiny wayfarer,

being alone isn't so bad. 

I have this sense
of internal peace
that I can't explain.

Life spirals, spins,
topples, and I'm
losing control;
but the peace remains.

This is God.

The sky is beautiful.
The clouds look like home,
pleasant and inviting,
full of wonder, full of life.
Nothing is greater
than what my eyes see
when I look up.

So, my tiny wayfarer, look up,
and be inspired
and let your imagination soar
and let your dreams run free.
Let yourself feel and be alive
and think life through.
Create and invent this day
to match the beauty
of the sky.
(This is impossible -
but worth the attempt).

Snow

Where are You
in the still of today.
It's quiet -
but Your voice, audible, fluttering
dances in my ears.

How present are You?
Just how close to my heart?
I feel intertwined
with the mystery
of Your presence.

Written at Midnight

Life can kick you down,
and - trust the unfortunate here - it will.
It's going to declare that you're
wrong
Wrong
WRONG!
Some advice - kill your life!
Do not become enslaved to
negotiating with your demons.
Tell life that you will NOT
bargain with it,
that you will NOT sell your soul
to worrying and comparison.
KILL THE MIND AND THE
DEMONS THAT LIVE INSIDE.
You will no longer be consumed
by detrimental thoughts
(but they won't escape) -
ESCAPE THEM. FLEE.

Run to the distance -
where the Sunlight lives.
Separate yourself from
this cruel, cruel life.
Float high above,
in the clouds, with love,
in It's unadulterated form.

Be free from this life -
you'll be compensated in a
fresh, lovely world,
where minds are at peace
(not on edge!).
I promise you this -
you'll dance, alive and new.

Hurry -
time is slipping, hope is depleting,
ESCAPE NOW.

Let Dance Rule

To all flowers,
let beauty grow.
To all sunbeams,
let light overcome.
To all winds,
let uncertainty guide.
To all clouds,
let wandering ensure.
To all birds,
let wings propel.

And to all free souls,
let dance rule
in your hearts.

You'll realize
that people are
really, really incredible
once you start
paying attention
to them.

Open your
eyes, heart, mind,
to let someone
be incredible.
And I promise
you'll be amazed.

You may even
see God
if you are
looking for Him.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing

and rightdoing there is a field.

I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass

the world is too full to talk about."

Past anything of our comprehension, 

past our shame and guilt and pride,

there is a safe place.

God lives there.

He's always been there.

He's waiting for us there.

The field is where broken souls go,

the ones that have given up 

on trying to understand why.

They just want peace of mind.

The soul will come to this field

and it will be set free - finally!

It won't speak -

words are a profanity,

it will just be, one with God.

Oh, how I long for this field. 

In my eyes,
you shine so much brighter
than them, darling.
I can only compare it to the sun -
what else is bright enough?
Perhaps serenity, perhaps whimsy,
perhaps my favorite song on repeat.
But these don't compare -
you are one with the sun.

Written January 30th, 2014

I have no words today
to express my heavy heart.
But, I will try.
When I'm alone,
the answers escape me,
thoughts burst and explode in my head -
They're taking over!
But then people come along
and I see the answers in their hearts -
Love them! - God tells me

Be restful
my tiny little wayfarer.
The answers will come
in the most
serendipitous manner.
They'll jump
and glow and float
before your eyes.
And yes,
amazement will be present.
and you'll sing
a true song
to the sky.
Keep on your path
my tiny little wayfarer,
the best is yet to come.

Have you ever looked
death in the face?
Have you ever thought
of this stark reality?

We are mist.
We are shifting
and moving
and changing
and then we will be gone.

Does the brevity
of our lives
intimidate you
or does it
intrigue you?

Does our impending death
inspire you
or inhibit you?

Be who you are.
Shine your beautiful,
radiant face
in the sunlight.
Feel warmth, feel fullness,
feel the overwhelming
presence of our God above.
You are wonderful and free.
Live with purpose,
knowing that you will
fly away in only
a few short years.

Isn't it astonishing 
how life can change so abruptly,
and in the most distressing ways? 
Instantaneously, our balance is thrown off -
ordinariness is a stranger,
and we begin to question 
the stability of our beliefs. 

There must be some force
that propels us to keep operating,
some force that reminds us of
a kind friend: hope,
some crazy reasoning behind the
madness of life.

The beautiful part
is that we keep trekking on,
and along the way we learn
that these moments that change us
don't need to be answered here,
not now, not in this life-
they will be answered down the road.
Now we know in part,
soon we will know in full
the reasoning behind the madness.

My friends, I have quite the theory here.
It's scandalous.
The world doesn't see it as right.
Let me tell you what the world says:
Look after yourself. Try to get ahead. Buy the latest products to make you shiny and new. Do absolutely whatever pleases you. Tan legs and long hair make you beautiful. Your welcome to complain if the world is not satisfying your needs. Being with a man/woman will satisfy you. If someone wrongs you then it is right to get back at them. Live life like a queen/king because it is all about you.

I think this is bullshit.

This is what I am proposing here,
a new way of life.
The path is a little narrower than before.
It's gonna take some work
and grumbling and complaining
but I promise you,
something great and shiny and new
will come from it.
The theory of its-not-all-about-you-ism:
Live generously and give unceasingly. Love the strangers around you whom you have no business talking to. Make peace with your family. Fall in love with Someone greater. Accept your body as it comes and see the beauty that lives inside you. Come clean and confess. Forgive. Make amends with old friends. Point out what you love in others. Reuse things. Utilize empathy and compassion. Life fully and set down your cell phone. Sit down and actually think about your life and its purpose. Fall in love and lose your life in that love. Live freely and lightly. Give away material items. Accept differences and promote individuality. Embrace moments as they come. See life as fleeting.

This will change the world.

(written on December 24th, 2013)

Maybe life is about
learning to like ourselves
in the midst of our
twisted up emotions.
Maybe life is about
learning to love others
and to love God.

Such is life,
this learning process,
this constant shifting and unsettling,
where is the peace?

Learning to be bold
and to say what we feel-
to not hold our good thoughts in,
because they will soon escape
into the void of our minds.
Learning to accept who we are,
really, at our core,
the child of Someone greater. 

(written on July 14th, 2013)

Jesus,
You are my treasure.
My heart lives
In You.