thoughts by the graveside - 4/26/14

By the graveside
you cannot hide.
You are beside death,
and who, when they are beside death,
can distract their mind?

No one. You are forced
to face the reality that
this mound of fresh dirt,
these fake flowers,
they are your destiny.

You are returning to dust.
Every day you live,
you are a little closer
than the day before.

2.
You will one day leave your home.
You will one day leave the only home you've ever known,
often unexpectedly.
And where will you go?
Of this I do not know with assurance.

3. 
Sometimes I wonder
how life is even real.
There are so many surreal moments -
or is that just life?
A web, a collection
of unexplainable moments
that morph together and
equate to our reality.

Such is life.

4.
Life is equal parts of living and dying.
We are living everyday and dying everyday.

5. 
I am very much in love with life;
I am also absurdly preoccupied with death.

6. 
You must believe in God
in a place such as this.
What do you think of all this?
Was it meaningless?
All these lives, lived and lost.
And look what they amount to.

I haven't posted in awhile. My thought process has been changing; I feel as though my mind has grown darker. I don't know whether this is good, bad, or necessary. We'll see where it takes me.

the two month mark 

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.
My mind is haunting
evoking feelings that are daunting.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'd like to wipe the slate clean
and start new,
like a child ignorant
of the world
and all the cruel
people that live here.
I'd like to be ignorant
to the process of dying,
not knowing that it
will one day come for me.

I see dying a lot now.
I see minds dying,
I see faith dying,
I see brightness dying,
I see hope dying,
I saw my dad, dead.

No one should see that. Ever.
If God is good
then I have been believing wrong
this entire time.
Please, define for me
the true meaning of
the word "good".

The world is very different now,
characterized by questions
and thoughts, unanswered,
unimportant
to anyone but the thinker.
Think think think
for two months
and your mind gets you nowhere
except darker than it was before.

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.