I haven't posted in awhile. My thought process has been changing; I feel as though my mind has grown darker. I don't know whether this is good, bad, or necessary. We'll see where it takes me.

the two month mark 

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.
My mind is haunting
evoking feelings that are daunting.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'd like to wipe the slate clean
and start new,
like a child ignorant
of the world
and all the cruel
people that live here.
I'd like to be ignorant
to the process of dying,
not knowing that it
will one day come for me.

I see dying a lot now.
I see minds dying,
I see faith dying,
I see brightness dying,
I see hope dying,
I saw my dad, dead.

No one should see that. Ever.
If God is good
then I have been believing wrong
this entire time.
Please, define for me
the true meaning of
the word "good".

The world is very different now,
characterized by questions
and thoughts, unanswered,
unimportant
to anyone but the thinker.
Think think think
for two months
and your mind gets you nowhere
except darker than it was before.

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.

I try so hard to play it cool

and escape from the typical.

"There must be more", 

I think to myself.

But what if it's all

in front of me? 

What if I have known

the truth all along,

but I lost my courage 

to believe it? 

Be who you are.
Shine your beautiful,
radiant face
in the sunlight.
Feel warmth, feel fullness,
feel the overwhelming
presence of our God above.
You are wonderful and free.
Live with purpose,
knowing that you will
fly away in only
a few short years.

Isn't it astonishing 
how life can change so abruptly,
and in the most distressing ways? 
Instantaneously, our balance is thrown off -
ordinariness is a stranger,
and we begin to question 
the stability of our beliefs. 

There must be some force
that propels us to keep operating,
some force that reminds us of
a kind friend: hope,
some crazy reasoning behind the
madness of life.

The beautiful part
is that we keep trekking on,
and along the way we learn
that these moments that change us
don't need to be answered here,
not now, not in this life-
they will be answered down the road.
Now we know in part,
soon we will know in full
the reasoning behind the madness.

(written on December 24th, 2013)

Today I went on a walk.
I'm gonna tell you- I absolutely felt infinite.
I felt as though every secret was being
revealed to me with each step.
It was beautiful contentment.
It all felt right. Nothing felt wrong.
I felt God. Really, I felt the Presence
right beside me.
God was an old friend. I had loose
thoughts and I felt God listening to
them. Isn't this great?

I wanted to fly away and meet God
face-to-face.
I promise you, the time felt right.
My belief in the Presence felt so real.
God and I together, as one.
This is more than cliche shit.
It was an overwhelming sense of
belonging. It was home.

I am dead. I am gone.
My life is hidden.
I am now alive in Christ Jesus.
He is my new life
in which I now live.
This body, these hands, these lips,
is it too scandelous
to say that they
do not belong to me?

Since I am now dead,
my selfish desires dead and gone,
I must look up
and set my heart on things above.
Not earthly things,
which fade and peel
and whither away.

Instead, on eternity,
which shines vibrant and new
and lively and sparkling-
more and more, everyday-
until forever. 

What if I told you
that your life isn't about
constant improvement?
What if I told you,
that in this life,
you don't have to be
anything more than you are.

Let me tell you -
you can not improve yourself.
You, yourself,
as a simple human being,
can not become of more worth
on your own.
I believe this to be an absolute promise.

Look up.
There's a Power up there;
I haven't met the Presense
but I have overwhelming feelings
that It's there when I call out to it.

When do I call out?
I call out when I feel overwhelmed,
bogged down by the pressure
to be better, to do more,
and despite my best, honest attempts
I fail. Over and over.
A vicious cycle
of failing, inferiority, comparison.
It's seemingly never-ending.

I want to improve.
I want to do more, to be more,
to be shiny and new everyday.
To love deeper, to understand fully
what the commotion
around me is all about.

But my little disconnected brain
could not possibly do this
on it's own.
It's limited to
my puny, human understanding,
I'm inefficacious
in changing my path.

So I call out
to this Presence.
It speaks in a voice, unheard,
mysterious, yet understandable.
It tells me that if I want to
be shiny and new,
if I want to be more than I am,
then I have to surrender to It.
I have to give It all that I have.

The pressure to improve is off,
the pressure to be more is off,
the pressure to perform is off.
Because grace has filled in
all the cracks,
even the miniscule cracks,
where I have failed
at being better.

And I find that after I've been mended,
I start discovering the
solution to improving my life
(which I've found to be giving it away).
Constant improvements do not
have to be done by me,
a selfish, stingy human being.
The Presence told me
that It's taking care of them.
And the craziest thing is -
I notice a difference.

What my tiny brain does understand,
after the Presence has engulfed it,
is that I don't have to be
more than I am,
because I am being made wonderful
by something greater than myself. 

I think old people are wonderful.
I think kisses are adorable.
I think faith is important.
I think coffee is essential. 

Glimpse of Heaven

Sometimes I get these
weird glances of the bigger picture.
It's like I see it all piecing together,
all the blessings, hardships.
everything.
They only last a  moment,
but they always give me hope
that You have me.
They end in beauty and security,
they end with me feeling
undeniably loved and cared for.

I love these moments. 

"The some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, "Why do your disciples break the tradition of their elders? They don't wash their hands before they eat!" Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for your sake of tradition?"
- Matthew 15:1-3

Religious people are pissed that
Jesus and His followers aren't
following rules that were set
in stone by other religious people.
These laws had been established,
they are known because they have been taught,
a strict distinction between right and wrong.

They're condemning Jesus,
the Son of God,
for breaking tradition,
breaking rules,
being too liberal.

They're condemning a man who is God
and His followers that believe He is God
for not doing what is "right" and "respectable".
This is God we're talking about,
He is not contained by rules and regulations.

Jesus rebukes them,
"Why the frick do you break
God's law, a beautiful law
of love and acceptance,
for your established laws of "religion".
God's law outweighs tradition.
It will always be greater,
it is mystical, awe-inspiring,
and you want to control it with rules?
Good luck trying."

Rules and good deeds and traditions
are no longer defining factors of salvation.
God's wide expanse of love
and radical grace
is upon us,
covering all we see.

So what if we stepped aside
from our religious trappings,
the one's that say we're failing
if we don't follow the rules,
if we aren't good enough,
and we stepped into grace.
The grace of God,
expressed in His son Jesus,
is sufficient for us.

Jesus was a different type of person.
It's so hard to be like Him
because He's so incredible.
So, I guess we try and try
and fail and fail.
But we find a glimmer of hope
and try some more.
And fail again.

And it's a learning process.
We learn the beauty of grace
amongst our failures.
And somewhere in the mix we learn
not to be so damn hard on ourselves-
that it's okay to screw up-
we're broken.

It takes a lot of paying attention
to realize how broken we are.
Realization of brokenness is
the best place to be,
because broken people need a Savior.
We need patches, we need hugs,
we need Jesus Christ
in the truest form
of who He is-
Savior of our broken world. 

You know what,
I think that Jesus lived the weirdest life ever.
If He were on earth today-
If His two feet on the ground,
He would be labeled as a hippie
and a liberal
and everyone would be confused
by His lack of things
and His great joy.
Those two things usually don't belong together.
I admire Jesus
because He was different.
He is a breath of fresh air,
a breakthrough from materialism
and cell phones and judgement.
Jesus is beautiful because He
is always alive - in the Heaven's.
Sometimes I just want to ditch 
this life and be with Him-
to ask Him every question that
I've ever had about faith or life
or why some of my favorite people 
don't know who He is. 
But I have faith, that day will come,
and I will dwell with Jesus forever.
And we will hangout- 
maybe around a campfire,
maybe without shoes,
and I'll tell Him
I love Him.