"Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic."
- Norman Cousins


Tell me - how is it logical for the human being to live with joy, with fervor, with whimsy, and to simultaneously know that we will one day be ripped from the only home we've ever known by death?

Is this not an incredibly somber and discouraging thought? What the hell sense does that make? What's the point? If, on an unforeseen day, we will all be gone, why work toward anything? Why ask the big questions if the end result is always the same? Why spend time loving and knowing others if we will be heartbroken when they're gone?

Insert hope.

Hope dispels logic. Hope tells logic, "no - you're the concept that doesn't make any sense, and if you did make sense, who would even care about making sense?" Hope is perplexing and wild. Hope is present in the morning sun, in the smile of the passerby, in taking a breath and knowing that your lungs are still providing your body with existence.

Hope resides in a realm separate from logic. Why? Logic attempts to explain, hope succeeds in disproving. Hope, time and time again, has guided the human out of desperate and tragic circumstances. Hope indeed disproves us - when we are so very convinced that we can not go on, hope is the gentle nudge, the faint reminder that there's still a lot of life yet to be known, and so much more to discover; and yes, we can go on because hope reminds us of our inertly curious will to exist, to be alive.

Hope can not be explained with words, only felt. Hope has no equation, nor fancy theories. Hope has no end, no beginning, and no limit.

Hope simply is
and always will be.

There's something inside of me that is filled with hope - it cannot be ceased under any circumstance. I have seen tragedy, I have seen death (touched death), I have questioned my sanity, I have doubted my belief, I have fallen apart, I have been broken to pieces, reassembled, then broken again.

I am makeshift.

Yes, I am makeshift. Every day, every moment, I am changing, twisting, turning, building upon what I learn and know, becoming different, becoming new, morphing into myself.

There is an all-encompassing theme to who I am - a being filled with hope. A hope that there is more; there is more than me and my limited human experience. There is a creator of me, a creator of us all; a creator that isn't anything but madly in love with us. For all that we are - our broken pieces, our makeshift lives, our shittiness, our joyousness. We are a sum of love; built by love, broken by love, reassembled by love.

The creator fills the cracks where we've been broken and torn. In the midst of darkness enters the goodness, the fullness, of light. A shining, dazzling, beautiful glint of this feeling identified as hope - a feeling never fully depleted, for it is what gives us the faith to carry on.

I haven't posted in awhile. My thought process has been changing; I feel as though my mind has grown darker. I don't know whether this is good, bad, or necessary. We'll see where it takes me.

the two month mark 

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.
My mind is haunting
evoking feelings that are daunting.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'd like to wipe the slate clean
and start new,
like a child ignorant
of the world
and all the cruel
people that live here.
I'd like to be ignorant
to the process of dying,
not knowing that it
will one day come for me.

I see dying a lot now.
I see minds dying,
I see faith dying,
I see brightness dying,
I see hope dying,
I saw my dad, dead.

No one should see that. Ever.
If God is good
then I have been believing wrong
this entire time.
Please, define for me
the true meaning of
the word "good".

The world is very different now,
characterized by questions
and thoughts, unanswered,
unimportant
to anyone but the thinker.
Think think think
for two months
and your mind gets you nowhere
except darker than it was before.

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.

on the topic of being alone

Stagnant and free,

the place I love to be.

It sets the stage for motion

in a world of chaos and commotion.

I'm in that place again.

My mind runs wild.

Dreaming, oh, the possibilities!

It's quite overstimulating.

That infinite feeling,

endless hope, and endless God.

My mind runs wild.

Contentment and reality

mix as one.

Where am I, again? -

Floating, above it all.

Everything's right. Nothing's wrong.

Connected to the sky, journal in hand.

Brightness fills my sight and

my heart runs wild.

I'm telling you, my tiny wayfarer,

being alone isn't so bad. 

Isn't it astonishing 
how life can change so abruptly,
and in the most distressing ways? 
Instantaneously, our balance is thrown off -
ordinariness is a stranger,
and we begin to question 
the stability of our beliefs. 

There must be some force
that propels us to keep operating,
some force that reminds us of
a kind friend: hope,
some crazy reasoning behind the
madness of life.

The beautiful part
is that we keep trekking on,
and along the way we learn
that these moments that change us
don't need to be answered here,
not now, not in this life-
they will be answered down the road.
Now we know in part,
soon we will know in full
the reasoning behind the madness.

My friends, I have quite the theory here.
It's scandalous.
The world doesn't see it as right.
Let me tell you what the world says:
Look after yourself. Try to get ahead. Buy the latest products to make you shiny and new. Do absolutely whatever pleases you. Tan legs and long hair make you beautiful. Your welcome to complain if the world is not satisfying your needs. Being with a man/woman will satisfy you. If someone wrongs you then it is right to get back at them. Live life like a queen/king because it is all about you.

I think this is bullshit.

This is what I am proposing here,
a new way of life.
The path is a little narrower than before.
It's gonna take some work
and grumbling and complaining
but I promise you,
something great and shiny and new
will come from it.
The theory of its-not-all-about-you-ism:
Live generously and give unceasingly. Love the strangers around you whom you have no business talking to. Make peace with your family. Fall in love with Someone greater. Accept your body as it comes and see the beauty that lives inside you. Come clean and confess. Forgive. Make amends with old friends. Point out what you love in others. Reuse things. Utilize empathy and compassion. Life fully and set down your cell phone. Sit down and actually think about your life and its purpose. Fall in love and lose your life in that love. Live freely and lightly. Give away material items. Accept differences and promote individuality. Embrace moments as they come. See life as fleeting.

This will change the world.

Jesus was a different type of person.
It's so hard to be like Him
because He's so incredible.
So, I guess we try and try
and fail and fail.
But we find a glimmer of hope
and try some more.
And fail again.

And it's a learning process.
We learn the beauty of grace
amongst our failures.
And somewhere in the mix we learn
not to be so damn hard on ourselves-
that it's okay to screw up-
we're broken.

It takes a lot of paying attention
to realize how broken we are.
Realization of brokenness is
the best place to be,
because broken people need a Savior.
We need patches, we need hugs,
we need Jesus Christ
in the truest form
of who He is-
Savior of our broken world. 

 "I guess it's like discovering you're on the shelf of a pawnshop, dusty and forgotten and maybe not worth very much. But Jesus comes in and tells the pawnbroker, "I'll take her place on the shelf. Let her go outside again."
- Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith


I sit here
amazed at the way Jesus
changed Anne Lamott's life
and at the way He
has changed mine.
I actually have thoughts now-
real thoughts - good thoughts,
one's that promote me to
do something of worth.
I actually have a purpose,
I actually have something
worth striving for.

I think that this is the simplicity of hope.