I haven't posted in awhile. My thought process has been changing; I feel as though my mind has grown darker. I don't know whether this is good, bad, or necessary. We'll see where it takes me.

the two month mark 

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.
My mind is haunting
evoking feelings that are daunting.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'd like to wipe the slate clean
and start new,
like a child ignorant
of the world
and all the cruel
people that live here.
I'd like to be ignorant
to the process of dying,
not knowing that it
will one day come for me.

I see dying a lot now.
I see minds dying,
I see faith dying,
I see brightness dying,
I see hope dying,
I saw my dad, dead.

No one should see that. Ever.
If God is good
then I have been believing wrong
this entire time.
Please, define for me
the true meaning of
the word "good".

The world is very different now,
characterized by questions
and thoughts, unanswered,
unimportant
to anyone but the thinker.
Think think think
for two months
and your mind gets you nowhere
except darker than it was before.

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.

is this what it's like to be in love

I think and I pry
but still you catch my eye.
You're a demon, you're a doll;
there's no peace in this at all.
Just chaos and confusion,
my dear I have been losing
my mind every night,
I'm on a downward plight.

Please, reach Your hand out for me,
save me from the sea
of earthly love and delight
and bathe me in Your Light.

I'm dying to know -
what does your mind feel like?

Is it swirling, spinning,
uncontrollable,
and terrifying?
Is it taking over
the place of your heart?
Is it detrimental?
Is it consuming from
the inside out?

Or is it peaceful?
Does it hold the truth?

I have this sense
of internal peace
that I can't explain.

Life spirals, spins,
topples, and I'm
losing control;
but the peace remains.

This is God.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing

and rightdoing there is a field.

I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass

the world is too full to talk about."

Past anything of our comprehension, 

past our shame and guilt and pride,

there is a safe place.

God lives there.

He's always been there.

He's waiting for us there.

The field is where broken souls go,

the ones that have given up 

on trying to understand why.

They just want peace of mind.

The soul will come to this field

and it will be set free - finally!

It won't speak -

words are a profanity,

it will just be, one with God.

Oh, how I long for this field. 

(written on December 24th, 2013)

Maybe life is about
learning to like ourselves
in the midst of our
twisted up emotions.
Maybe life is about
learning to love others
and to love God.

Such is life,
this learning process,
this constant shifting and unsettling,
where is the peace?

Learning to be bold
and to say what we feel-
to not hold our good thoughts in,
because they will soon escape
into the void of our minds.
Learning to accept who we are,
really, at our core,
the child of Someone greater.