A quote from A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
"Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, "So there's no God after all", but, "So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer."
Beautiful words. There are no better words to describe how my spirituality is progressing right now.
You think that you have it all figured out, you think that you have God figured out, you think that you have a grasp of the unknown,
You're hit. You're down.
Everything you thought to be true, everything you had built up and believed in is challenged, even shattered. Pieces are left, the truth is scattered. Where do you go from here?
And in the midst of going through this tribulation (I wouldn't even call it a tribulation; it is simply life), I am unsure of what I believe. But as Lewis says, I am in no danger of ceasing to believe in God; He has such a strong hold on me. Abandoning Him would be like throwing in the towel, giving up. I'm not ready for that.
But my view of Him is changing, it's shifting, and I often find myself on sinking sand; questioning and exploring. I'm starting to believe that there's a lot more to Him than I thought before.
What is God really like? Of that, I am still not sure. And I will never be sure until I reach the moment when I stand in the Sunlight, indefinitely. One constant I have learned about God is love. I find Him in love. I also find Him in so many other feelings and emotions, but the strongest one is love. It's undeniable. When I see or experience love I think of Him.
I know that He is love. I know that I believe in Him. As for everything else, at this moment in time I am not quite sure. One thing that I am hoping for is this; in uncertainty, I will find truth.