on the topic of being alive 

1.)
I feel creative and
I feel an iota of something similar to teen angst.
I feel angry and
supremely liberated at the same time.
I feel incredibly confused about life
yet undoubtedly in love with a God
who has all the answers.

I feel inner turmoil and
I feel inner peace.
I feel it all.
I feel alive;
and isn't that what I've always wanted?


2.)
I think we're all living to feel alive. If we didn't feel as though our existence is worth something, then why else would we live?
That's why humans are in relentless, continual pursuit to find something, someone, anything that makes them feel infinite, important, meaningful: alive.

These things we cling to, these beacons of hope, keep us moving and keep us reminded that we are very much so in existence and full of an intended purpose.

As for God, the One who holds the power, the answer, I don't know anymore. It takes a humbled human state to admit that we don't know about God - to admit that we know so much less than we thought. Is this the proper way to believe in God? To know so little that we subtly give up on explanation? Maybe this is the true form of surrender - to forget the logistics and standards of faith and to believe in God in which ever way He comes - which can be so different for each human, for each individual life experience.

Those who believe often claim that God is all-knowing, loving, and existing. He is everywhere, always, intertwined with every experience, every emotion. But do they live like that? I ask that often, I so often wonder and am preoccupied with the thought. If He really is all of those attributes (which I have great inclination to believe that He is based on my personal human experience) then why do we diminish the impermeable power by only accepting some?What if God does accept all? (Which is what "these people" will claim to believe, but do they practice this thought?)

My mind is extremely limited, I despise that part of life. I know what I have experienced, what I have witnessed, what I have felt. My internal emotions are mine only, I am the only being, the only soul they will belong to. What does this mean about God? Of that, I'm not sure. I do know where my mind stands because I live in it, but as for knowing where others minds stand, I am incapable of knowing. It's an absolutely horrid feeling to be incapable of knowing - it further reminds us of the big picture, the huge life and story unfolding around us. A horrid thought, yes, but equally liberating. We're not responsible for the other wayfarer's trekking along in this life beside us. We can share with them out perceived human experience, our hearts and our love, and express our gratefulness for the human that they are, but we can't be in their minds. We get snippets and pieces of their thoughts with conversation and observation of actions, but that's as far as we go.

So will we ever truly know one another? Once again, I do not know. I believe that the answer is a melancholy no. It's frightful to understand that we will never truly known anyone but ourselves, but I've been having this progressive and beautiful and radical thought (which I hope will not escape me anytime soon) that this is where God steps in. I'd like to believe that God in infinitely compassionate, and that He will not let out shifts on Earth run out without anyone really knowing who we are (besides ourselves, that is).

This is my grand idea here - it's been said umpteen times as long as this orb has been suspended in space and time, I'm sure - but listen close. God knows us. Our thoughts and our ideals, the pretty and the ugly, the everything. The unknown in our brains, the part that we don't use, that we aren't aware of, He fills it. The heart, the blood, the veins, the pumping of life; He adores it because He has the conscious ability to love and understand our lives, more than any other human can love and understand your life. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, He's there and it doesn't stop. This is not a religious fact or a church-y sermon, this is my personal idea of God, expressed and believed by others in the past, but continually believed by me now.

I say these things with confidence because I need some form of explanation for my human existence, and this is what my life has caused me to believe thus far. To hold tight to these ideas, to convey my individuality, and to respect and love others for their existence, All this because I have One being, One ultimate, all-knowing being that knows me better than I know myself; and if I did not have that, I would be utterly alone in my mind and I would go mad.  Someone else has to know the madness and has to explain the madness - God does this. The thought is freeing.

part two of my confused mind 

One the outside:
normal.
On the inside:
turmoil.
I'm leading two
separate lives,
neither of which
are satisfying
or give me any answers
or sense of comfort.

Neither of which
are true.
Both are a lie.
If one was "more true"
than the other,
it would be the turmoil -
the tossing and turning
of the Deceiver
between the ears.

I don't have
control of this anymore.
Being myself appeals to me
but so does reinventing myself
to be someone who
knows the reason
behind death.

Do I remain, normal,
unknowing, regarding death
as an unanswerable demon?
Or do I break free,
in turmoil,
and let my mind run wild
at all the possibilities
of why the Power in the sky
let's us live here,
making connections,
making lasting love,
then takes us away?

It's a terrible process.
Especially for the ones
left behind on planet Earth,
orbiting and thinking,
"what's the meaning behind this?"



I'll take turmoil any day.
It's a little more satisfying
than normality.

outside

Welcome home,
my tiny wayfarer.
It's all here now.
Look around you:
Answers.
They are present.

Get a glimpse
of what so few
discover!
Blessed is the
wayfarer that searches;
they will find truth.

Written January 30th, 2014

I have no words today
to express my heavy heart.
But, I will try.
When I'm alone,
the answers escape me,
thoughts burst and explode in my head -
They're taking over!
But then people come along
and I see the answers in their hearts -
Love them! - God tells me