Flight

I looked over and we were in the clouds-

249 others sat with me.   

And we were floating, ascending,

keeping pace with the fluffy masses,

billowing white and brilliant and beautiful. 

And we were together but apart.

And we were everything but nothing.

And we were frail and human, 

peering down upon the rows of

civilization that we humans have created,

with eyes entranced by the blue, 

the blue everywhere! shimmering 

a bright, brilliant hue, this seemingly 

endless blue, boastful and bewildering,

a proud blue, a true blue, 

the truest blue that the eye can see,

all the while, a mind filled with wonder,

wondering about the peculiarity of 

this transparent gas that we deem "air" 

that keeps us alive and afloat,

this substance unseen, yet sustaining,

essential, accessible, monumental..

thoughts racing wildly, thinking, the overarching theme:

We Are So Very Tiny. 

humans

we're humans.
how can we not
relate to one another?

we share primitive traits,
primal traits.
we are all one another-
inevitably interlaced
by our frail humanity.

we all exist.
we all take in air, expel air.
our food is digesting,
our hearts are pumping,
our eyes are wandering,
our minds are racing,
our hands are discovering,

and we're all searching,
searching, unceasingly searching
for the place we exist fully,
for the place we breathe most freely.
for the place we belong.

so let us humans
attune ourselves to the
homogeneity among us

and let us create this place
that we're searching for
together.

To feel

You don't have to think deep, philosophical thoughts to feel.

Sometimes you just feel. 

You just feel because you're a human,

And us humans are gifted with this frail, beautiful humanity that cannot be spoken of, only felt. 

And just feeling is the truest form of feeling.

It comes from within, from a place where language is irrelevant.  

It comes from the heart. 

This may be ridiculously simplified and equally naive, but it makes sense in my mind. 

We are fully loved, 

fully known,

and fully understood 

by only One Power.

That Power is Love. 

Now, Love can take on many forms;

Love presents itself to us in

mysterious ways,

beautiful ways...

Love puts on skin in 8 billion different life forms. 

Love walks the Earth with four legs.

Love ruffles our hair when we step outside. 

Love blooms bright in the Spring, and neutral in the Fall.

But amidst all the various ways in which this Power, Love, reveals itself to us, 

we must remember the source from which it came...

This source is inexplicable, but it manifests itself so fully in our hearts. At the core of our being, in the very essence of ourselves, lies this Love. Even if we don't consciously recognize it residing in us, Love is always there within us, guiding us, fighting for us, cheering for us... 

And just because no human can explain the transcendence of this Love (although we try), does that make it any less real? Do we feel it any less because we can't explain it? 

So it is with my understanding of God. 

TRUST

I desire to understand people. I desire to know why people do what they do (why I do what I do). I desire to know the origin of people: why we were placed here in this allotted time in history, surrounded by certain people, carrying out individual plans, goals...
I desire to understand the meaning, the purpose, of my two feet upon earth. Where were they meant to take me? Will I make any sort of a difference?

I desire to understand all the facets of life that I can never understand, the ones that only God understands - and this is where trust plays in,..

To trust in the unknown, to surrender to the power of fate, and to be madly in love with the mystery of it all.

"Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic."
- Norman Cousins


Tell me - how is it logical for the human being to live with joy, with fervor, with whimsy, and to simultaneously know that we will one day be ripped from the only home we've ever known by death?

Is this not an incredibly somber and discouraging thought? What the hell sense does that make? What's the point? If, on an unforeseen day, we will all be gone, why work toward anything? Why ask the big questions if the end result is always the same? Why spend time loving and knowing others if we will be heartbroken when they're gone?

Insert hope.

Hope dispels logic. Hope tells logic, "no - you're the concept that doesn't make any sense, and if you did make sense, who would even care about making sense?" Hope is perplexing and wild. Hope is present in the morning sun, in the smile of the passerby, in taking a breath and knowing that your lungs are still providing your body with existence.

Hope resides in a realm separate from logic. Why? Logic attempts to explain, hope succeeds in disproving. Hope, time and time again, has guided the human out of desperate and tragic circumstances. Hope indeed disproves us - when we are so very convinced that we can not go on, hope is the gentle nudge, the faint reminder that there's still a lot of life yet to be known, and so much more to discover; and yes, we can go on because hope reminds us of our inertly curious will to exist, to be alive.

Hope can not be explained with words, only felt. Hope has no equation, nor fancy theories. Hope has no end, no beginning, and no limit.

Hope simply is
and always will be.

There are two phases in the life of a truth-seeking individual:

a time in which the human learns
and experiences and feels
and takes a look at others
and attempts to understand them -
to put themselves in their shoes,
to respect their perspective,
to realize what it truly means
to love another as yourself.

and a time in which
you apply what you've learned.
this is compassion.

and it is impossible to have one
without the other.

Tell me-
how do I unleash this world
that I've created in my mind,
the only world that
makes sense to me?
A world in which dancing freely
is customary,
and loving others comes easy.
And life is not bogged down
by fancy philosophical explanations,
but it is instead felt and experienced
and lived with the brilliant fervor
brought about by uncertainty,

And everything is immersed in light.
And God is in everything,
around everything, and above everything.
And judgement of others has ceased
because everyone is defined by
the same standard - we are all humans,
And simplicity is honored and practiced.
And everyone acts as themselves
because the thought of trying to be
someone you're not is absurd.
And change is welcome -
learning and growing and
acquiring wisdom is practiced.

And, above all,
the people of this world
fully understand that
life is fleeting -
and no, we will not last forever
on this earth,
so we will make this time worth it.

thoughts by the graveside - 8/5/14

I don't know much about anything, in fact, I will admit that I don't know anything about so very much. And this thought often makes me feel scared and unwell. I want to feel powerful and and important, well-know and highly esteemed for unearthly, hidden wisdom and knowledge. But in reality, there's an infinite world of mysteries that could not possibly be unveiled to me while I am a wayfarer here on earth.

I simply know what I've learned in my twenty years in this body. I know what I've felt, I know what I've experienced - I know these full well. We are all very different. No two humans alike. And each life and creature that breathes has their own way of understanding the universe. Although I have found that thinking of my awfully limited lifespan, which is confined to this particular body, to be terrifying, I've also found it to be equally beautiful and awakening. I am the only me that will ever be, there will never be one that exists quite like my personal bundle of flesh and bones and thoughts. This is a liberating encouragement to be myself. We aren't required to change ourselves or be who we aren't because because only one of you was made. And there's no pressure to be someone else - that role is already taken.

And when it comes to others, how freeing is it to love others as they come to you? Not to morph them into a being to serve you or to satisfy you, but to notice how they differ from you and to love them anyway? This is so powerful. One of the most noble deeds that you may ever do in your lifetime is to love those that you have no business loving. How lovely is that?

And amidst my cloud of unknowing in this life, the cloud that I often try to pierce and understand (unsuccessfully, I might add), I have learned that uncertainty is okay. In fact, uncertainty is more than okay, it's a vital, driving force that keeps us pressing forward, keeps us awake and alive and on our toes, keeps us searching for our meaning and purpose in life - wherever you may find it. 

I can't help but believe that uncertainty leads to truth, that questions lead to answers,

and that unknowing leads to knowing full well that we will never have all the answers, 

but what's life without the element of mystery? 

My heart is full of ideas;
my mind is full of questions.

So many places I could be,
people I could become,
sights to be seen,
lives to be understood -

but I am here.

And is here
where I am intended to be? -
I think yes,
but a defying opinion
arises when I consider
the vast possibilities in life,
the potential that humans hold
to paint their existence
in whichever way they please.

Something is growing in me,
inspiring me to discover, to become,
and that something feels a lot like
a pull in the right direction.

But for now -
I am here;
and the present
is the only reality
that I know.

thoughts by the graveside 

How wonderful is it
to exist, to be alive,
to take breath,
to feel sunlight,
to feel wind.

How mysterious our existence -
how unfathomable
the world's creation.

And what tiny humans we are!
We think we have great knowledge,
yet our understanding
is so very small,
so very limited -

Yet each human carries
a specific purpose.
An allotted time and place
in history,
a personalized lifetime.


How beautiful and peculiar
the process of life.

on the topic of our limited human existence: 

1.
It's horrible.
I want to be so many beings,
feel so many feelings,
see so many places,
and love so many people.

But I am stuck
in the shell of my life
and my time,
my tiny little place in
history - my individualized
time frame and existence.

I am me,
and this is who
I will always be.


2. 
To feel limited is fearsome,
this is a true and horrifying feeling
(I will never be anyone but myself) -

to feel content with what
you know, with who you are,
this is beautiful state to be in.

But to have a continual desire
to know more, to be more -
this is absolutely essential
in moving forward.

As for God, the One who holds the power, the answer, I don't know anymore. It takes a humbled human state to admit that we don't know about God - to admit that we know so much less than we thought. Is this the proper way to believe in God? To know so little that we subtly give up on explanation? Maybe this is the true form of surrender - to forget the logistics and standards of faith and to believe in God in which ever way He comes - which can be so different for each human, for each individual life experience.

Those who believe often claim that God is all-knowing, loving, and existing. He is everywhere, always, intertwined with every experience, every emotion. But do they live like that? I ask that often, I so often wonder and am preoccupied with the thought. If He really is all of those attributes (which I have great inclination to believe that He is based on my personal human experience) then why do we diminish the impermeable power by only accepting some?What if God does accept all? (Which is what "these people" will claim to believe, but do they practice this thought?)

My mind is extremely limited, I despise that part of life. I know what I have experienced, what I have witnessed, what I have felt. My internal emotions are mine only, I am the only being, the only soul they will belong to. What does this mean about God? Of that, I'm not sure. I do know where my mind stands because I live in it, but as for knowing where others minds stand, I am incapable of knowing. It's an absolutely horrid feeling to be incapable of knowing - it further reminds us of the big picture, the huge life and story unfolding around us. A horrid thought, yes, but equally liberating. We're not responsible for the other wayfarer's trekking along in this life beside us. We can share with them out perceived human experience, our hearts and our love, and express our gratefulness for the human that they are, but we can't be in their minds. We get snippets and pieces of their thoughts with conversation and observation of actions, but that's as far as we go.

So will we ever truly know one another? Once again, I do not know. I believe that the answer is a melancholy no. It's frightful to understand that we will never truly known anyone but ourselves, but I've been having this progressive and beautiful and radical thought (which I hope will not escape me anytime soon) that this is where God steps in. I'd like to believe that God in infinitely compassionate, and that He will not let out shifts on Earth run out without anyone really knowing who we are (besides ourselves, that is).

This is my grand idea here - it's been said umpteen times as long as this orb has been suspended in space and time, I'm sure - but listen close. God knows us. Our thoughts and our ideals, the pretty and the ugly, the everything. The unknown in our brains, the part that we don't use, that we aren't aware of, He fills it. The heart, the blood, the veins, the pumping of life; He adores it because He has the conscious ability to love and understand our lives, more than any other human can love and understand your life. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, He's there and it doesn't stop. This is not a religious fact or a church-y sermon, this is my personal idea of God, expressed and believed by others in the past, but continually believed by me now.

I say these things with confidence because I need some form of explanation for my human existence, and this is what my life has caused me to believe thus far. To hold tight to these ideas, to convey my individuality, and to respect and love others for their existence, All this because I have One being, One ultimate, all-knowing being that knows me better than I know myself; and if I did not have that, I would be utterly alone in my mind and I would go mad.  Someone else has to know the madness and has to explain the madness - God does this. The thought is freeing.

a bewildered mind at 2 a.m.

I am amazed at the fact that every time I lie down to sleep, I am still the same person that I was yesterday. And the day before that. And as long as I've existed. I've always been myself, I'll always be myself. I am me. And not anyone else. I am incapable of being someone else. This seems like a simple and silly and obvious though, but it's not. It's quite dynamic, really.

I go through many changes in a day, so many shifts and tears and emotions. How can I possibly be the same person that I was the day before? Life is shifting, moving, it is never stagnant.

Maybe we do change who we are. Maybe we change when we are shaped by our circumstances and by things that we have no control over. And we do change our physical appearance and we do change our attitudes. And we do change when we have a broken heart. And I suppose we change when we fall in love. And I've seen a human meet God, and I've seen that human change and become quite different.

But there's something inside us (or I'd like to think that there is) that is unchanging, it will not shift. It is constant; it is the essence of who we are. You are only you. There will never be any other you. You are the only you that you can be. And yes, as humans we will be shaped by the life swirling around us, and we will change and become different as we were before. Our qualities and traits are not static; you may gain more joy, your mind may grow in darkness. The human will meet God, the human will lose someone they love, the human will fall head over heels in love, the human will gain a new passion for nature, the human will be angered beyond words, the human will be lonely. Humans experience countless changes. What is beautiful is that in the midst of all these changes, the human is still itself. It has something that can never be taken away - the essence of its being.

I live in my body and experience in my body, but I am not my body. There is a spirit within me that is beyond my body, beyond my mind, and in that spirit lies the answer - the answer to how we can lie down at the end of the day and still be ourselves.

There is an intrinsic nature to humans, very much lovely, very much to be appreciated, very much full of God. We are who we are, and that can not be taken from us.

The Sun is constantly supplying its light
to an undeserving Earth.
The Sun doesn't ask for anything back.

This is a radical love.
And it confuses me.
Because it's so different from the way that we love as human beings.
We want constant affirmation; we want to know that what we're doing for others is appreciated and noticed.

What if we really didn't have any stipulations for our love for others?
What if it poured out like the Sun,
and what if we didn't ask for anything in return?

It would change everything.

What if I told you
that your life isn't about
constant improvement?
What if I told you,
that in this life,
you don't have to be
anything more than you are.

Let me tell you -
you can not improve yourself.
You, yourself,
as a simple human being,
can not become of more worth
on your own.
I believe this to be an absolute promise.

Look up.
There's a Power up there;
I haven't met the Presense
but I have overwhelming feelings
that It's there when I call out to it.

When do I call out?
I call out when I feel overwhelmed,
bogged down by the pressure
to be better, to do more,
and despite my best, honest attempts
I fail. Over and over.
A vicious cycle
of failing, inferiority, comparison.
It's seemingly never-ending.

I want to improve.
I want to do more, to be more,
to be shiny and new everyday.
To love deeper, to understand fully
what the commotion
around me is all about.

But my little disconnected brain
could not possibly do this
on it's own.
It's limited to
my puny, human understanding,
I'm inefficacious
in changing my path.

So I call out
to this Presence.
It speaks in a voice, unheard,
mysterious, yet understandable.
It tells me that if I want to
be shiny and new,
if I want to be more than I am,
then I have to surrender to It.
I have to give It all that I have.

The pressure to improve is off,
the pressure to be more is off,
the pressure to perform is off.
Because grace has filled in
all the cracks,
even the miniscule cracks,
where I have failed
at being better.

And I find that after I've been mended,
I start discovering the
solution to improving my life
(which I've found to be giving it away).
Constant improvements do not
have to be done by me,
a selfish, stingy human being.
The Presence told me
that It's taking care of them.
And the craziest thing is -
I notice a difference.

What my tiny brain does understand,
after the Presence has engulfed it,
is that I don't have to be
more than I am,
because I am being made wonderful
by something greater than myself.