To feel

You don't have to think deep, philosophical thoughts to feel.

Sometimes you just feel. 

You just feel because you're a human,

And us humans are gifted with this frail, beautiful humanity that cannot be spoken of, only felt. 

And just feeling is the truest form of feeling.

It comes from within, from a place where language is irrelevant.  

It comes from the heart. 

How many times
have I sat here,
alive,
and wondered
what it would feel like
to not be alive?

Why do I waste my aliveness,
as limited as it is,
in this way?
Why do I waste this precious breath,
this precious, continuous
beating of the heart,
pondering what I will be like
without it?

Answer.

Because my mind has an
unquenchable desire
to know
what is can not know..

and this is my demise.

a rant on a sunny day

We mustn't forget about the little things.. The small bouts that bring joy, bliss, contentment: glancing up at the clouds and filling with wonder, a warm, fresh spring breeze emerging from a long winter, the tender touch of a caring friend, a lover...
But we do inevitably forget the little things. We're human - we get caught up and worked up in the sweep of the day. But, when we do forget the little things, when we are preoccupied with our countless, stressful thoughts and endless to-do lists, we can remember the big things, the indispensable things: we have working  lungs that are receiving air and keeping us alive, we are existing and moving, and we can make it through this day with the promise of a new sunrise tomorrow.
Gratitude for the big things is indeed just as important as gratitude for the little things.
And some days, when both the big and little things have bypassed our minds, when we're having "one of those days" with no rest, no true breath, no stopping and recognizing the day as a gift, we can hang on to the ultimate hope, the greatest thing of them all...
That we are here, we are aware, and we are beloved to the earth. And nothing can take that from us.

TRUST

I desire to understand people. I desire to know why people do what they do (why I do what I do). I desire to know the origin of people: why we were placed here in this allotted time in history, surrounded by certain people, carrying out individual plans, goals...
I desire to understand the meaning, the purpose, of my two feet upon earth. Where were they meant to take me? Will I make any sort of a difference?

I desire to understand all the facets of life that I can never understand, the ones that only God understands - and this is where trust plays in,..

To trust in the unknown, to surrender to the power of fate, and to be madly in love with the mystery of it all.

why wait?

Why wait to
feel, to express, to experience?

Why wait to
tell the ones you love
of all the beautiful thoughts
you have of them?

Why wait to
follow the pull of your heart-
the inescapable path to truth?

Why wait to
see, to go, to explore?

Why wait to live?

I am either completely in love with life,
fully immersed, falling head first into
a pit of wonder and whimsy and excitement,
or I am going utterly insane.

I think it's a combination of the two.

But there's a word for this high.
Elation: it is a funny feeling -
you're floating in the clouds,
you're worry free, you're inspired.
But perhaps the most satisfying side effect
of a bout of elation is the inability
to be present anywhere except
the current moment.

It usually happens (for me) after
coffee, after writing,
after God, music, people -
but no matter what produces the feeling,
we should take it and hold it
and live and be free
in our momentary state of bliss.

Are you keenly aware of your feet moving
in a impetuous fashion, propelling you through another day?
Are you stopping to relish in the beauty
of the radiant, shining sun, feeling the warmth blanket your skin?
Are you noticing the beating human hearts that surround you
as you walk the streets, respecting each human as uniformly important?

You are alive,
but are you living?

on the topic of being alive 

1.)
I feel creative and
I feel an iota of something similar to teen angst.
I feel angry and
supremely liberated at the same time.
I feel incredibly confused about life
yet undoubtedly in love with a God
who has all the answers.

I feel inner turmoil and
I feel inner peace.
I feel it all.
I feel alive;
and isn't that what I've always wanted?


2.)
I think we're all living to feel alive. If we didn't feel as though our existence is worth something, then why else would we live?
That's why humans are in relentless, continual pursuit to find something, someone, anything that makes them feel infinite, important, meaningful: alive.

These things we cling to, these beacons of hope, keep us moving and keep us reminded that we are very much so in existence and full of an intended purpose.

Grief is a peculiar thing.
It strips away the life that you knew,
but it leaves behind a being
reborn and new, yet dazzed and bewildered,
alive in the wake of disaster.

I do believe that we have free will.
An exceptionally beautiful facet of life is the complete authority to govern your own life.
But I will throw you a curve ball here: how much of our life (our individualized human experience) is actually ours?
Hasn't a majority (if not all) of what we know, what we believe, been taught to us? We are presented with thoughts and ideas and we mold them to fit our lives.
We've been morphed and shaped to be who we are based on our surroundings, how we were raised, what we know (I am not dispelling the fact that we are able to break free of our molds - we are, but they are still deeply ingrained in the essence of who we are).
I think that we'd like to view life as a subjective experience, when in fact, a majority of it is probably objective - concepts that we have been taught to believe by others, passed down and lived out from person to person, time to time).

I'll use this analogy: we were born with a cone on our heads. (You know, sorta like those awkward ones that they put around dogs neck to prevent them from licking themselves and causing infection?)
When you were young, your scope of knowledge, your understanding of the world was incredibly narrow. You knew what those who raised you knew.
As you grow older and experience life outside the domain of a constant caregiver(s) with their own perception of life, the cone gradually expands as you meet new people and experience new lifestyles and learn that everyone's not like you.
The cone has expanded, but it's still the same cone, it's still the same foundational element that you were born with. Your basic understanding of the world is more or less still the same: objective.
You catch some subjective experiences here and there (which I personally consider direct experiences with the Divine) and widen the cone, but the framework has already been set.

So, why do I write about this?
I want to rip the cone off
and become my own being.
Not a collection of all that came before me;
but a free being, One with the Divine.

I want to experience life without preconceived judgments
but I'm afraid that this isn't possible.

The sky is beautiful.
The clouds look like home,
pleasant and inviting,
full of wonder, full of life.
Nothing is greater
than what my eyes see
when I look up.

So, my tiny wayfarer, look up,
and be inspired
and let your imagination soar
and let your dreams run free.
Let yourself feel and be alive
and think life through.
Create and invent this day
to match the beauty
of the sky.
(This is impossible -
but worth the attempt).