Is this what it's like to be enlightened?

I am so very full of life today..

so very full of everything,

of everyone, of everything

that has been, is, and will be. 

I am floating. 

I am apart from myself. 

I am disembodied,

but so very connected. 

I am either extremely caffeinated 

or extremely enlightened. 

I am sitting here, contemplating..

how can I keep this feeling 

from escaping me?

Because it will escape,

it always does,

moments like these are fleeting. 

Life gets in the way,

always, because it's obligated 

to go on,

the same way we're obligated

to shift and change with it.

But, now,

here in the present,

in this time of my existence,

this feeling is mine.

And I will hold on to it

for as long as 

God has permitted. 

TRUST

I desire to understand people. I desire to know why people do what they do (why I do what I do). I desire to know the origin of people: why we were placed here in this allotted time in history, surrounded by certain people, carrying out individual plans, goals...
I desire to understand the meaning, the purpose, of my two feet upon earth. Where were they meant to take me? Will I make any sort of a difference?

I desire to understand all the facets of life that I can never understand, the ones that only God understands - and this is where trust plays in,..

To trust in the unknown, to surrender to the power of fate, and to be madly in love with the mystery of it all.

"Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic."
- Norman Cousins


Tell me - how is it logical for the human being to live with joy, with fervor, with whimsy, and to simultaneously know that we will one day be ripped from the only home we've ever known by death?

Is this not an incredibly somber and discouraging thought? What the hell sense does that make? What's the point? If, on an unforeseen day, we will all be gone, why work toward anything? Why ask the big questions if the end result is always the same? Why spend time loving and knowing others if we will be heartbroken when they're gone?

Insert hope.

Hope dispels logic. Hope tells logic, "no - you're the concept that doesn't make any sense, and if you did make sense, who would even care about making sense?" Hope is perplexing and wild. Hope is present in the morning sun, in the smile of the passerby, in taking a breath and knowing that your lungs are still providing your body with existence.

Hope resides in a realm separate from logic. Why? Logic attempts to explain, hope succeeds in disproving. Hope, time and time again, has guided the human out of desperate and tragic circumstances. Hope indeed disproves us - when we are so very convinced that we can not go on, hope is the gentle nudge, the faint reminder that there's still a lot of life yet to be known, and so much more to discover; and yes, we can go on because hope reminds us of our inertly curious will to exist, to be alive.

Hope can not be explained with words, only felt. Hope has no equation, nor fancy theories. Hope has no end, no beginning, and no limit.

Hope simply is
and always will be.

thoughts by the graveside - 8/5/14

I don't know much about anything, in fact, I will admit that I don't know anything about so very much. And this thought often makes me feel scared and unwell. I want to feel powerful and and important, well-know and highly esteemed for unearthly, hidden wisdom and knowledge. But in reality, there's an infinite world of mysteries that could not possibly be unveiled to me while I am a wayfarer here on earth.

I simply know what I've learned in my twenty years in this body. I know what I've felt, I know what I've experienced - I know these full well. We are all very different. No two humans alike. And each life and creature that breathes has their own way of understanding the universe. Although I have found that thinking of my awfully limited lifespan, which is confined to this particular body, to be terrifying, I've also found it to be equally beautiful and awakening. I am the only me that will ever be, there will never be one that exists quite like my personal bundle of flesh and bones and thoughts. This is a liberating encouragement to be myself. We aren't required to change ourselves or be who we aren't because because only one of you was made. And there's no pressure to be someone else - that role is already taken.

And when it comes to others, how freeing is it to love others as they come to you? Not to morph them into a being to serve you or to satisfy you, but to notice how they differ from you and to love them anyway? This is so powerful. One of the most noble deeds that you may ever do in your lifetime is to love those that you have no business loving. How lovely is that?

And amidst my cloud of unknowing in this life, the cloud that I often try to pierce and understand (unsuccessfully, I might add), I have learned that uncertainty is okay. In fact, uncertainty is more than okay, it's a vital, driving force that keeps us pressing forward, keeps us awake and alive and on our toes, keeps us searching for our meaning and purpose in life - wherever you may find it. 

I can't help but believe that uncertainty leads to truth, that questions lead to answers,

and that unknowing leads to knowing full well that we will never have all the answers, 

but what's life without the element of mystery? 

thoughts by the graveside 

How wonderful is it
to exist, to be alive,
to take breath,
to feel sunlight,
to feel wind.

How mysterious our existence -
how unfathomable
the world's creation.

And what tiny humans we are!
We think we have great knowledge,
yet our understanding
is so very small,
so very limited -

Yet each human carries
a specific purpose.
An allotted time and place
in history,
a personalized lifetime.


How beautiful and peculiar
the process of life.

the two infinities 

This is life
and I am existing
in this moment
suspended in time.
My breath sustains me,
my heart retains me.
I feel an overwhelming
presence of something
bigger and wiser
beyond me.
It brings me peace.

I lay beside you.
The sun shines;
it warms my skin
but you are under the ground.
(Are you able to feel the sun?)

I want to feel you here,
present in this very moment
with me, but I am unable.
I feel bothersome;
I feel incredibly anxious
as to what life will
become without you,
but I trek on.

Death is a funny thing;
life is a funny thing.
And oddly enough,
they are strikingly similar -
they both keep going,
creating the only infinities
that we know
(we are either alive
or we are dead).
They propel us to feel,
to dream, to create who we are.
You will live
and then you will die:
and who will you become?

The limiting reagent of life
is time.
Time is limiting, fleeting, fearsome.
Your time has run out.
My time is ticking
as I lay here,
sun shining, breeze blowing,
inspiring thoughts
of existence.

on the topic of being alive 

1.)
I feel creative and
I feel an iota of something similar to teen angst.
I feel angry and
supremely liberated at the same time.
I feel incredibly confused about life
yet undoubtedly in love with a God
who has all the answers.

I feel inner turmoil and
I feel inner peace.
I feel it all.
I feel alive;
and isn't that what I've always wanted?


2.)
I think we're all living to feel alive. If we didn't feel as though our existence is worth something, then why else would we live?
That's why humans are in relentless, continual pursuit to find something, someone, anything that makes them feel infinite, important, meaningful: alive.

These things we cling to, these beacons of hope, keep us moving and keep us reminded that we are very much so in existence and full of an intended purpose.

on the topic of our limited human existence: 

1.
It's horrible.
I want to be so many beings,
feel so many feelings,
see so many places,
and love so many people.

But I am stuck
in the shell of my life
and my time,
my tiny little place in
history - my individualized
time frame and existence.

I am me,
and this is who
I will always be.


2. 
To feel limited is fearsome,
this is a true and horrifying feeling
(I will never be anyone but myself) -

to feel content with what
you know, with who you are,
this is beautiful state to be in.

But to have a continual desire
to know more, to be more -
this is absolutely essential
in moving forward.

Have you felt life lately?

I'm asking you,

have you stopped to just feel it?

To peer up into the world you are inhabiting. 

To feel breath as it enters, exits, as it sustains you.

To stand in contentment and notice your frailty.

To be quiet with your emotions, let them be.

To feel one with something greater. 

You are here;

you are now.

Feel your existence,

because it's the 

truest aspect of life

that we know.