One thing I really hate about life
is that other people are losing theirs
while I am still living.

And I am left wondering -
where do I go from here?

Everything was perfect -
and then it broke,
fell, and shattered
on the living room floor -
my sanity, that is.

I'm hoping that
I have to fall apart
to fall back together,
but for now
I am living
with the devil
in my insane mind.

What if it's true;
what if the kingdom
of heaven is really within
every human being that lives
on this speck in the universe -
but only some realize it?

This would be radical.
This would be outrageous,
insane, and totally unbelievable
(in the best way possible).
This would be life-changing.
This would change everyone's
course of action on planet Earth.

So,
what if it's true?
Then I want to believe it.

I want a swoop down,
serendipitous Savior.
Is it You, God?
The God that I know?
Truth be told,
I have felt very abandoned
by You lately.
I wish I could bottle up
all the amazing, real moments
I've had with You
in the past
(before everything changed)
and drink the potion
when I feel unsure,
which is so often lately.
I guess I'm learning
that You don't work
like lightening bolt-magic.
But You could, right?
You're all powerful, they say.

Do it for me.

A stark reminder -
a true reminder.

"I think life is staggering
and we're just too used to it."
- Donald Miller

part two of my confused mind 

One the outside:
normal.
On the inside:
turmoil.
I'm leading two
separate lives,
neither of which
are satisfying
or give me any answers
or sense of comfort.

Neither of which
are true.
Both are a lie.
If one was "more true"
than the other,
it would be the turmoil -
the tossing and turning
of the Deceiver
between the ears.

I don't have
control of this anymore.
Being myself appeals to me
but so does reinventing myself
to be someone who
knows the reason
behind death.

Do I remain, normal,
unknowing, regarding death
as an unanswerable demon?
Or do I break free,
in turmoil,
and let my mind run wild
at all the possibilities
of why the Power in the sky
let's us live here,
making connections,
making lasting love,
then takes us away?

It's a terrible process.
Especially for the ones
left behind on planet Earth,
orbiting and thinking,
"what's the meaning behind this?"



I'll take turmoil any day.
It's a little more satisfying
than normality.

I haven't posted in awhile. My thought process has been changing; I feel as though my mind has grown darker. I don't know whether this is good, bad, or necessary. We'll see where it takes me.

the two month mark 

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.
My mind is haunting
evoking feelings that are daunting.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'd like to wipe the slate clean
and start new,
like a child ignorant
of the world
and all the cruel
people that live here.
I'd like to be ignorant
to the process of dying,
not knowing that it
will one day come for me.

I see dying a lot now.
I see minds dying,
I see faith dying,
I see brightness dying,
I see hope dying,
I saw my dad, dead.

No one should see that. Ever.
If God is good
then I have been believing wrong
this entire time.
Please, define for me
the true meaning of
the word "good".

The world is very different now,
characterized by questions
and thoughts, unanswered,
unimportant
to anyone but the thinker.
Think think think
for two months
and your mind gets you nowhere
except darker than it was before.

My mind is a whirlwind
with no peace, and no comfort.